Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician [Biological OffspringWatch]

Angelina Gives Birth! For Real This Time! Or Not! Don't Ask Us! We Just Work Here! [Biological OffspringWatch]
Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.
Would he announce that her twins had been born? That remained a mystery; the hospital wouldn't say.

Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was seen leaving the seafront Lenval hospital Wednesday morning with one of their four young children.



At this point, any announcement from Dr. Sussmann at the very least better contain the words, "Nous ici à Saint-Angelina Divin sur la Côte d'Azur sommes ravis d'annoncer que l'utérus sacré a vidé. Mlle Jolie est maintenant l'heureux propriétaire de jumeaux, de sexe indéterminé."* We'd like to see this news conference end in cheers, cigars, and the sounds of popping champagne corks—not a mob of exhausted and unruly celebrity journalists pummeling the Hardest Working Obstetrician in Show Business.

*"We here at Saint-Angelina Divine on the French Riviera are delighted to announce that the sacred uterus has emptied. Miss Jolie is now the proud owner of twins, sex undetermined."

UPDATE: Dr. Sussmann has delivered his statement, and we're afraid it's yet more disappointment. From usmagazine.com:

Angelina Jolie hasn't given birth yet, her obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussman, said Wednesday at a French Riviera hospital. Asked when Jolie is expected to have her twins, he replied "in the weeks to come."

How much more of this can we take? All we want is to welcome the Chosen Twins and the helium is fast leaking from our Welcome Baby Saviors! mylar balloons!
Published 7/2/08 by


Defamer

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