THE BIG KID’S FILES:BERNIE MAC’S DAUGHTER PAYS LAST RESPECTS

Je'Niece with her mom and dad

I cannot begin to explain how devastated I am by the loss of my father. There is an ache that exists in my heart that will not go away. The only other person who I know truly understands the pain that I feel is my mother. The world is grieving the loss of Bernie Mac, but I am grieving the loss of my Daddy. He is the first man I have ever loved, and he loved and cared for me unlike any other! But even in the midst of this pain, I recognize and understand that the world also loved my father. His gift was a special one and he shared it and himself with the world. The outpouring of love that I have received from so many has touched me in ways that I cannot even explain. I would love to reply individually to each one of you, however, it’s so overwhelming that I cannot. I just want to say thank you with everything that I have.

A pregnant Je'Niece with her husband

God works in mystifying ways. As some of you may know from reading my previous blog, I was in the midst of a divorce. But for some reason, God brought my husband and me back together–ironically on our wedding anniversary date. This is where it is just crazy for me. Had we divorced, it would have been finalized on August 7th. My father passed away August 9th. So not only would I have had to deal with a divorce, I then would have been forced to deal with the devastating loss of my father. To say God is good is definitely an understatement.

I am trying very hard to find peace right now. Although the ache in my heart is preventing that right now. I take comfort in the fact that I had my father for 30 years. But it is because of those 30 years that I know what will be missing. As you may be able to imagine, my father’s presence was huge. He was a charismatic, funny, loud, domineering man. He ruled wherever he went. Even when he was broke, he had a way with people. I have so many fond memories. I have had a long road with my father. I was a Daddy’s Girl for so many years, and then as I grew older, we bumped heads quite a bit–as my father was a wondrous control freak who hated to see me grow into my own autonomous self. We then came to a place of acceptance and forged a beautiful friendship. I am proud to say that my father raised me alongside my mother. I am proud that I was able to make him a grandfather.

Yet, looking at my daughter saddens me. She will never know for her own self the love that her grandfather had for her. While I will do my best to let her know with each day that he adored her beyond belief, experiencing that for her own self is something totally different. And yes he left behind a huge body of work that I will be able to share with her. However, that wasn’t Granddad or as she called him, “DaDa.” I will miss watching him allow her to do any and everything she wanted. I will miss watching her take his hats and bend them out of shape while he just complained and smiled all at once. I will miss watching him take such joy out of simple tasks like feeding her or putting her in her car seat. I will miss watching them sit together watching her Dora the Explorer or Backyardigans. I will miss so much about them.

Bernie

The moment the doctor entered the room and told me my father was gone will remain the worst moment of my life. I cannot begin to tell you how much pain I felt in one moment. Yet, I know that it was and is still selfish of me to want him here. I watched him suffer for 3 weeks. I know that the way he lived his final 3 weeks of life is not the way he wanted to live. He was a very proud man and I think it pained him more to see himself in his state than it was to have his actual illnesses. I know the world thinks he was an able-bodied man, but he was not. It took me some time to fully process just how ill he truly was. When I was finally able to see him after his death, I saw a peace upon him that I have never seen before. I take comfort in that. If death works any way as I hope, I imagine that his mother welcomed him into the spiritual realm. I imagine that he is in a place where he will never again feel pain and I look forward to the day when I see him again.

I will not lie. It hurts. I keep hoping that I can blink or turn my head and he will be there. I keep expecting to see him and each moment that I realize I will not begins the pain all over again. I do not like this. I do not want this. Yet, I trust God with this. I don’t know why Our Creator saw fit to take my father at this time, but I know that His will is good, perfect, and acceptable.

Thank you all for allowing my father to touch your hearts and your lives. Thank you for allowing me to vent my feelings. On behalf of my mother and myself, I would like to thank you for your kind words of encouragement, support, and prayers. I know that at this time we are only standing on the prayers of others. I am touched beyond measure and I know my father would be so honored to know the impact he has left upon the world.

Peace and Blessings
Je’Niece Nicole McCullough-Childress

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