Five Clips Exempting Sly Stallone From His Forthcoming Lifetime Achievement Award [Defamer Appeals]

Five Clips Exempting Sly Stallone From His Forthcoming Lifetime Achievement Award [Defamer Appeals]
The news that a respected Swiss film festival in plans to honor Sylvester Stallone with a lifetime achievement award was the cause of some distress this week at Defamer HQ. We weren't necessarily alone, but we weren't that black-and-white with it, either; surely he's a singular figure of Hollywood's last 50 years, but even sizable accomplishments like Rocky, First Blood, CopLand and the outstandingly violent fever dream that was Rambo 4 don't cast shadows long enough to block the sprawling, weedy malevolence of most of his work. His films have grossed a total of $1.7 billion, but how hastily should anyone jump to reward their artistic intentions and merits?

No sooner did we ask ourselves that question than the answer roared forth from the stolid depths of his oeuvre. After the jump, find five primary clips that affirm Stallone's immortality — for all the wrong reasons.

1. Staying Alive (1983): Stallone had steered the Rocky franchise to a Best Picture Oscar and about $300 million in box office by 1983, was atop Hollywood and ready for a new challenge. For whatever reason, he chose the misbegotten sequel to Saturday Night Fever to not only direct but also write, tone-deafly overshooting the demand to see Tony Manero jazz-dance his way to Broadway stardom. Still, conceptually and technically flawed as it is, not even Cynthia Rhodes's worst, longest ballad outmatches the egregious, "remember who's in charge here" tackiness of Stallone's cameo early on (see above). You, sir, get a Liftetime Achievement Award in Off.

2. Rhinestone (1984): Stallone sings. We'd say we appreciate him taking a chance outside his comfort zone, but really, we just don't. Neither should you.

3. Oscar (1991): After Rhinestone, Stallone waited seven years to return to comedy. His touch was no less abrasive despite direction by John Landis and co-stars like Kirk Douglas and, in this scene, the peerless (and peerlessly wasted) Tim Curry. It should have been a sign; alas, he would transgress even more garishly a year later with...



4. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot (1992): In the slushy gastric swamp of Really Deplorable Ideas, this indigestible nuggest signaled Stallone's point of no return — a tough benchmark to gauge considering Rhinestone and Rocky V are in here, too. But consider the evidence provided by...



5. Demolition Man (1993): For a period in the '90s, it became unfashionable to feature Stallone's slurry baritone in the promotion of his films. Demolition Man piled on the added ignominy of locking him bare-ass naked in some Cryogenic Grimace Machine until he could face down Wesley Snipes. The franchise that wasn't, and thank God.
Published 9/19/08 by


Defamer

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