Paris Hilton, Philanthropist

Hilton [says] that she hopes to build a “transitional home” to help women when they are released from jail. “These women just keep coming back because they have no place to go,” she explains. Hilton says the home can be “a place to get food and clothes on their backs,” continuing that the recidivism rate is “a really bad cycle and if we stop it now, we can make our community a better place.”

I’m sure after her release tomorrow, we’ll see several more Parisian endeavors cropping up all over L.A., sprouting like benevolent genital warts on the metaphorical crotch of our country. Below are the Top Ten Paris Hilton Charitable Contributions we can expect to see next month:

10. “The Greased Palm,” a half-way home for out-of-work porn stars

9. Nationwide “Living with a Lazy Eye” seminars; guest speakers Forrest Whittaker, Teri Hatcher, and Bill Cosby

8. Bulimia “how-to” camp for fat girls

7. Speed-dating service for people with herpes

6. 12-step program for spoiled self-hating heirs and heiresses who constantly humiliate themselves

5. “I Get ed in the Butt for Coke” — a starter’s guide to race-bashing

4. Establishing local chapters of the “I Hate Lindsay Lohan” defamation club

3. Amber Taylor’s “Your Body, Your Right, Just Not Your Actual Name” campaign

2. “Kinkajous: A Menace to Society” call for government mandated extinction

and the number one charitable endeavor courtesy of the new Paris Hilton:

1. Snuff video starring the heiress giving fellatio to a twelve-gauge. Everybody wins!

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