America's Next Top Model: "Can I Just Get One Thing Straight? I DON'T Have A Prickly Disposition!"

Previously - Incredibly sensitive to autism Kimberly was jettisoned, Saleisha and Bianca brought the drama, and Twiggy and Victoria won't be having tea and scones together anytime soon.

At home. Evening. Lisa is working out how many girls remain. Victoria slumps against the fridge, sorta conversing but mostly wishing she was back on campus and taking in a Whippenpoofs performance or something. Seriously, this seemed like a lark back at the country club but now that she's actually seen how the world works, she wants off. No seriously, because she's talking aloud about how she's only wanted to be a model for three weeks. And Jenah, momentarily without the comfort of herb, is snarking at her for whining. Victoria does a lot of leaning against the fridge and staring into space like she's really trying to puzzle out a tough life decision like if she should have that second child so that they can harvest the bone marrow to save the first one. She voiceovers that she does want to be a model, and she's never been a "not-try" type of girl. She is so gone. Seriously. Pack now.

Bianca chats about how being in the bottom two last episode was not a good feeling for her. We cut to Saleisha who is standing in front of a huge portrait of Tyra shaded red. Wherein she looks like the comic book survivor of the war to end all wars, and she now has to live in the wreckage of a dead planet. Not kidding, so it's jarring to watch Rihanna eat cereal in front of this creepy rendition of the future. Sarah tells Saleisha that if she can avoid being in the bottom two, she can "make it to the top". A deep thought from a woman who pulls errant hairs out of people's taints. Saleisha proclaims that she will never be in the bottom two, insuring that she will and that she's probably going to be this episode. Much like I am unable to work math, I am unable to work which ones are going home or going to actually suck in the episode. Seriously, I have a blind spot and I am so easily manipulated by the cunning of our ANTM editors and writers. Bastards. Janet's like "you do NOT know that" about Saleisha's defiant attitude. Janet's kind of a Mom. A Mom who rips hair out of people's crevices.

Keep reading for more America's Next Top Model, after the jump.

The girls get the Tyra mail announcing it's the makeover episode. Girls go wild about potential future scalp damage from bad weave tracks. Chantal says she only cares about winning and beginning her career. Then get thee to a hostess stand at the Cheesecake Factory! Seriously, black blouse and sorta there but not listening expression. And a headset. She looks like one. The makeover episode is taking place at the Ken Paves salon. For those of you who only read this recap and avoid the rest of our site, Ken Paves is Jessica Simpson's head queen and her hair stylist. They also have a line of weaves together. He looks like a sallow and emaciated Florence Henderson. I hope he shows up to hawk his weave wares. Tyra explains Ken Paves, accompanied by the Jays.

Tyra is using a visual aide to explain the impending makeovers this go round. The models' pictures morph into how they're GOING to look. I SO want one of these for my bedroom; I would give myself every hairstyle known to woman and experiment with different eye colors. My boyfriend just read this and left me for an actual man. Ambreal's getting her hair shortened. Bianca's losing the magenta bangs and getting the Mariah Carey. Sarah's getting a blonde chop. Victoria's getting what appears to be the exact same haircut but everyone acts like it's different. Tyra tells her that she's getting the edge that she deserves but I'm not seeing a hatchet anywhere.

Chantal's getting Tyra's bangs via weave. Dude, the second I heard "weave" I would immediately bring up Brittany from last cycle and get someone to sign some sort of waiver. And she already has long hair; can't they just cut that into bangs? You obviously can tell I got my last haircut at Fantastic Sam's and it's just a buzz and I spent more time commiserating with the woman cutting my hair about the television monitors the Fantastic Sam's corporation has put in every stall. She hates them because she feels it takes away from the conversation with her clients. I have to concur, I was slack-jawed watching Macy Gray videos that you would never seen played anywhere else because Macy Gray is over and watching vignettes about hair coloring. We came to the decision that I would resist this mind control and fill out some sort of survey saying I wanted those monitors OUT of the stalls at Fantastic Sam's! For the sanity and well-being of the women who work there! It was a total Norma Rae moment. Seriously, I can't even remember the women's name. What? Top Model? Oh, right.

Lisa's getting the Posh Spice. Jenah is getting "soft ethereal blond hair" according to Tyra, and "ethereal" is not the word you want to use around a stoned pigeon like Jenah. She'll be out on the patio at all hours, just stoned out of her mind and wafting her hair in the breeze like it's the grey morning after Altamont. Janet's getting shorter hair and she's told that she doesn't look like a model in person. Thanks, Ty. Tyra informs Ebony that the hair and makeup people have called her to complain about the "rubber glue cement wig up in your head". Seriously? Sutan called you to complain personally? Your assistant probably told you he was on the phone and you were like "bitch, I already gave to Darfur!" Ebony's getting long straight hair. And Ebony, despite her earlier bitchery, appears to me to be a broken flower who is on the verge of tears every episode now. I like that in a model.

Saleisha's getting a bob. Heather is getting a slight color and a bit of a trim but that's about it. And away we go! Bianca doesn't realize the irony when, from under magenta bangs; she declares, "They are making me platinum blond. I'm gonna look like a streetwalker". Ken Paves IS doing the makeovers. Sarah looks hot. Lisa says if she goes bald, tears will go nonstop. Victoria's happy with her makeover, mostly because she didn't get one and they merely combed it. Ken Paves says no one's crying and he wants to see some tears! Evil bitch! You know whenever Jessica's back was turned; he was always asking Nick Lachey to go for a hot tub. But tears you ask? Coming right up! The woman from the "Take It Down" weave salon notes that Ebony's hair is literally GLUED TO HER SCALP. Um, ow? And Ebony's in pain. So much so that even Bianca feels bad for her ass. Bianca then looks disgusted because Ebony has glue caked all over her scalp. Bianca just lets the emotions flow. Ebony feels "lonely and sad" without her wig. Hopefully that melanoma she's going to acquire in the future from all that toxic wig glue will fulfill her again. Ms. Jay plays with Ebony's wig and then baits her ass by wondering how much it cost. She tells him it was free. Heh. He knew that. Jenah ends up looking like a pole dancer, and complains that it's not as "edgy as I am but I'll get used to it". "Edgy" as in "high-ass girl who's constantly talking about her goals and values in a drugged monotone in your dorm room". We get our second makeover mini drama when there's a whole Defcon 4 sitch when Mr. Jay gathers people to explain that Bianca's hair is so processed that they can't go blonde or it will "break" so they will have to "start your treatment process" and figure it out from there. Hair can break?!?! Whoa. Bianca feels like she's left out. So you DO want the streetwalker. Lisa doesn't get the Posh Spice, she gets a short perm. Ms. Jay is hovering around Ebony with his own hair flopping freely. What happened to the Afro? He's such a chameleon.

When I watch a girl get a weave SEWED into her head, I cringe. That has to hurt. How do women go through that? Jesus. Shave it and call it a day. Mr. Jay then gives the most horrifying news to Bianca. Her hair is so damaged that they're going to cut all of it off. And they're going to use "medical wigs with a latex edge" on her for photo shoots. And he kinds ends this explanation with an upswing in his speech pattern as if this is a great thing. Medical wigs and I don't even have cancer! WHEEE! It's ok, because Ken Paves is allowing us to use these special wigs that usually only people with alopecia get to use. Privilege feels nice, doesn't it? Mr. Jay says you look upset, tell me. She's doesn't break and merely goes for it. Even Saleisha feels bad for her and those bitches hate each other. Though Saleisha has plenty of ammo if they brawl again. "Check out my thighs in the mirror? Check out your bald head!"

Janet gives us the 411 on Bianca's hair and Ms. Jay is MOCKING Bianca and soaking up her tears with Kleenex. And Chantal is literally playing with her long blonde hair behind her. Bianca should f*cking get out of the chair and hit her with a brush. Chantal is a cagey torturer. Honestly, with a little makeup, Bianca doesn't look bad. She looks a lot more sophisticated to be honest. Ken Paves comes over with a wig he made for her. Yeah, especial for Bianca. Did Jessica mind you attending to some unknown bitch? Shut up, Ken Paves. Saleisha endures her weave tracks and Ms. Jay is commiserating with her itch by smacking his head and my god, he has hands like oars. Seriously, reach out and touch someone with your huge meat hooks. He can ring a doorbell from the sidewalk. Saliesha looks like Dorothy Hammill. Not cute. Tyra mail. Backstage something. Whatever.

Bianca tells us that she was told in her household that once you cut your hair, you're ugly. And that HER MOM told her that. Nothing's more comforting than rational parenting. Chantal and Jenah preen with their blondness in front of the mirror and it's like the opening scene of a skin flick. I expect Chantal will soon tell Jenah that "my boyfriend won't be home for hours" and ask her if she wants to take a shower. Saleisha says "I look like a Beatle" and I gotta agree. At least she's not crying. The girls have to endure Nigel Barker eye-f*cking them at the shoot until his WIFE gets introduced. You know that she was finally sick of watching him drool over these hoes for nine cycles and was like I'm coming down there to get your dick in check! It's time for a makeup challenge and to sell some Covergirl. The Covergirl rep is named Brent or Brett and he likes jewelry. And check it! Covergirl.com has this whole thing on their website where you can see what you look like with different eye shades! HOT! I CAN have that magic view screen Tyra introduced in my home! My boyfriend's seriously gonna leave me. There's gonna be a runway show and they have to create dramatic eyes with a glossy nude lip? That sounds dirty. The winner gets to shoot a video for the website. Nigel has them change into robes for the challenge. And crotchless panties. Kidding. Girls run and shove makeup pencils into their eyes. Sarah can't find her clothing rack so she wears the exact same dress as Sarah. Sarah's good-natured and gives her props. Sarah's way too nice and normal to be here. And then Sarah wins. Lisa's happy that it wasn't Saleisha.

Tyra Mail. There's a mention of flowers and that means they're going to be naked. Jenah is seriously looking like that girl at the Dead concert who keeps doing the Pharaoh and won't sit down for a millisecond. There's a Jaslene commercial and she lets us know that Lifetime TV talked to her about domestic violence. Jaslene experienced that. But you know that already. The world does. Superman villains trapped in the Phantom Zone know that. Anyway, they just kinda talk and we're not sure what it led to. I haven't seen any walks or anything.

The girls are taken to some canyon and I'm WAY into the French photographer guy. He's short and stocky and zoot alors. The girls are photographed wearing ridiculous flowers. And in mist. Whatever. Mr. Jay remarks on how good Bianca does and says something about how maybe sometimes it takes a complete emotional meltdown to break you down totally and then it's a building up process. How convenient that you and Tyra provided her with one! Bianca does look cute. Heather is "weeds". Everyone else gets to be a princess and I get to be a witch, Heather notes. Join the club, sweetie.

Ambreal is told her face is her weakness. Should she just quit? That's what I would take away from that. Victoria notes that being a cactus was absolutely ridiculous. Agreed. Chantal is baby's breath, which is appropriate because bitch is crying. She's confused because she's not sure if she should be listening to the sexy graying sparkplug that is photographing her or to Mr. Jay. Chantal says she could have done a really good job on the shoot if they had just shut up for two seconds. Which is how I explain why I dropped out of college. Chantal is a puddle and Heather, with her hair in dreads that formed her "weeds" look, is comforting her. Heather's good people. Chantal need to collect herself because the melodrama is overpowering. The girls all predict exactly what Tyra's next mail says. Victoria and Chantal foreshadow the bottom two status they will be sharing after the next commercial.

Panel time! Whoo-hoo! It does look like Ms. Jay's Afro will get bigger with every cut. And sexy Lionel the French fashion photographer is there! AND VICTORIA GOES AFTER TWIGGY AGAIN! Twiggy notes that it's interesting that Victoria got cactus because it's "quite prickly" and then Victoria's up in her grille with "can I just get one thing straight? I DON"T have a prickly disposition." HAH! Twiggy and Ms. Jay tell her that she is and Nigel, who doesn't like his women mouthy unless it's in relation to his body, tells her she needs to be charming. Good luck with that. Sarah does look cute. Tyra tells Lisa to take more chances, and Lisa looks at her like Tyra's speaking Swahili. Seriously, she seems unable to comprehend what Tyra's saying. Just do more poses! Next!

Saleisha's told her eyes were not there. She does look like a drugged tulip. The French photographer is all over Jenah. Screw you for leaving me, Lionel! Bastard! Everyone thinks Janet's film is hot. Except for Tyra. It's like the air escaping the Aero Bed and leaving Janet lying on the cold wooden floor with only a thick layer of rubber and a slight hissing sound to comfort her. Bianca has to reveal her wiggedness. Bianca is told that she has to embrace her regalness like Ambreal does and Ambreal smiles like "yes I am regal, thank you". Chantal spins her tale of woe at the shoot. Tyra says she's not at the top of the pack anymore. Nigel basically tells Ebony he wants to like her but can't AND the throws "even as a person" in there. Like he finds her hateful because she's awkward! Damn! Your wife must have quite a selection of tranquilizers on hand. Tyra makes Ebony see what she's like. That's never easy. Especially when someone who is as odious as Tyra is pointing out your flaws.

Judges judge. No one likes Victoria. The judges like how Sarah uses her weight. And Tyra has to bring up how this is a positive message on Top Model. Maybe they should tell that to the ten girls back at the house who have been existing on Dentyne and spring water since this concentration camp began. French guy Lionel has lost me because he does this creepy thing with his lips when discussing Jenah in French. Ugh. Ebony has to change her funky attitude. Ms. Jay imitates her tendency to hide her lips and roll her eyes. I just think she gets nervous being up there. These bitches are tough. People have different facial expressions for day-to-day use, too. People always think I'm pissed off, but it's just my natural expression. Ok, I am pissed off but still; it's just my natural expression. Don't analyze me! Chantal's a letdown. And Saleisha does look primitive in her pic. Like droop-eyed. Cave paintings and taking down antelope with a club and your teeth. Why did they choose that one? That was the best one? Seriously?

Victoria and Saleisha are at the bottom! Victoria is told exactly how badly her attitude stinks. She's told she's "not very appetizing". Is she bad shrimp? Saleisha is teary and wonders why her past residency at Tyra's "T-Zone" isn't helping her ass out right now. I wonder if they have model-type events there. Like do the young girls get to try on wigs? I'd go. Victoria starts taking off her shoe? To throw at Twiggy? Why not? Anyway, Victoria's gone back to Yale. And don't think she isn't happy about it. "She'd rather go home than take some other girl's dream". Thanks for that.

Next - Danger, stranger! Ice skating lifts and very tall buildings. "They're trying to kill us," says Lisa. Please?

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