America's Next Top Model: Use Your Loveliness And Control Your Sexy

Previously - You can HEAR Tyra gritting her teeth as she recaps Ebony and her Top Model first! She made the cut, but asked to be sent home anyway. Tyra doesn't like it when girls take charge of their own destiny. Kiss her fat ass!

It's the ride home from Ebonygate. Girls discuss Ebony and why she did what she did. Bianca says that she thinks Ebony missed her friends and family. And Bianca misses hers, too but this contest is only for a few more weeks and "they'll still be there". No they won't. Obviously no one told her this is like the Truman Show and they're in a dome and the Apocalypse is raging outside! Watching vacant girls claw and scratch to be fourth-tier models is all that's distracting us from the bombs, brimstone and fire!

We get some sepia Ebony flashback. Saliesha and her Dorothy Hamil self is glad Ebony pulled the trigger. Because that means Ambreal wouldn't be here and then Ebony would have just done it later. Ambreal interviews about how she's been given a new lease on life due to Ebony's choice, and she realizes the judges have lost faith in her and she needs to prove herself. Back at the model asylum, Sarah discusses how the judges thought she lost weight. She's having a crisis as to whether she's a plus-size model or not. She's just thinks she's "wrong" sometimes. Well, maybe not "wrong" but "a bitch". Sorry, I didn't like her when she was part of the chase Lisa with torches mob scene. Plus, the judges are really stupid and I think they mistook her shorter hair and realization that she should hold her head higher and go for a swan-like neck for weight loss. Chantal looks at her as if "I'll never be plus-size" but interviews that Sarah's struggling. I'll say.

More America's Next Top Model, after the jump

Outside in the pool, Chantal leads a "we're better than the rest of these pigs"-klatch with Bianca, Lisa, Jenah, and Ambreal. She's like "I know the four of us can do top five". This is funny because Ambreal was just told to pack her bags and git. She's got a rock climb ahead of her, Chanty Town. Chantal talks about how she doesn't have any doubt in her mind. And she's obviously trying to convince herself she's not in the Sarah mindset. Lisa looks like why are these bitches talking to me when they hated me two weeks ago? Bianca merely smiles, knowing Chantal talking like this means her ass is probably kayoed in the next judging. Don't fly too close to the sun, Chantal, with your waxen wings and model mindset.

Chantal interviews that the other girls are great, but she's got it all. Not brains. Lisa says that she thinks Heather will make it and sounds almost jealous that she's not autistic. Bianca then makes her move and tells Heather that she "just sits there" and she's never seen her "do anything extraordinary with her face". Heather is displeased with Bianca's analysis. Heather interviews about her "natural beauty" and I might see that if she stopped baring her teeth like a wild animal and dropped the rusty eye shadow. She feels that she has an advantage because she's an artist and she thinks about what the picture will look like beforehand. Modeling isn't just about making a pretty picture, it's about making art with your body. Doesn't EVERYONE think about what a picture is going to be like beforehand? -2 points for obvious statements, Heath.

Bianca feels that Heather doesn't have to work as hard because she's gorgeous in the face. I do like how these chicks see Heather as beautiful and are telling her so. It's seriously only to tear her down later, but in the moment it's nice. Bianca interviews that everyone babies Heather and she refuses to treat her differently because she has a disability of some sort. Heather's not handicapped, she's handicapable, thinks Bianca. I can't decide whether Bianca is a straight up bitch, or has her head on straight. We cut to a shot of Heather doing the shy teenage girl thing where you smooth your hair behind your ear and peer hesitantly out at the world and then cut your eyes toward the floor like you feel self-conscious at the My Chemical Romance concert. Haven't we all been there?

Tyra Mail! Everyone's yelling in this exaggerated voice. TYYYRRRAAA MMMMAAAIILLLLL!!!! It's something about being hot. MORE Tyra Mail! Get dressed in leotards! Ugh. Why can't these be guys? Tyra and her truck hips show up to conduct some sort of movement class for the girls on how to act sexy in front of the camera. Just pop a Fitty Cent clip in and imitate a video vixen. Nothing's sexier than some ho poppin' her booty next to a thug while being splashed in Krug. Now that's movement! Tyra seems out of breath. She tells them about being in videos by George Michael and Lionel Richie. "Too Funky" is a damn classic, but Lionel Richie? To quote his daughter - that's hot. Lisa interviews that Tyra's here to teach them that there's all sorts of sexy, but model sexy is the sexiest. No sweetie, rugby players coming off the field after the game all sweaty and tugging at their compression shorts is the sexiest. Write that down. Model sexy is the sexiest. Girl, please. A bunch of straws in overpriced obtuse clothing isn't giving anyone a stiffie.

Tyra teaches them a "sexy" runway walk. Admittedly, Tyra can walk. She's got it going on in that department. But it's sad that she had to stick this chicks in bodysuits to make herself feel better. She teaches them "sweet and coy". It's irritating. They make love to the mirrors, and Ambreal isn't selling it. Isn't she an actress? Next, is the wall slide. No, really. Tyra slides down the wall. Jenah says being flirty and sexy and controlling your body at the same time is all pretty hard. Cut to footage of her trying to shake her ass and seductively bite her thumb without soiling her leotard and failing. She merely goes limp on the floor as a trail of drool slowly emerges from her lips and marks her failure. Tyra makes Heather go and I know she's got an issue but it does look like "The Serpent And The Rainbow", especially when she's going back up the wall. Tyra says she looks like she's getting arrested. I just don't think eyes rolling back in your head is sexy unless you've come to that moment of fruition and you can drop all pretense.

Lisa thinks she's got sexy down. But can't get back up the wall. Isn't she a pole dancer? Doesn't that require some strength and dexterity? Tyra passes out knee pads for the blowjob contest. Ok, she does pass out kneepads. This is just too easy. But they ARE GONNA CRAWL. What is she teaching these women? Shouldn't Lisa be teaching this class? Crawl, bitches, crawl! Chantal looks like a blonde mastadon motoring across the floor. Bianca notes that Heather is just a mess but thinks Heather can do no wrong. Especially when Tyra says "love the hands". Bianca wants Heather to be mainstreamed. NOW.

Tyra feels that Heather has a Tim Burton-esque sexuality. Honey, nothing turns me off more than people with jacked-up hair running around to a Danny Elfman score. Plus, he dumped Lisa Marie and she was the only piece of ass (well, Bride of Frankenstein piece of ass) in his movies. His flicks are pretty chaste, wouldn't you say? He's not exactly Adrian Lyne. So what's she talking about? Tyra advises the girls to "use your loveliness", which is a lesson I will take to heart in life. When someone's acting like an ass, I will simply advise "please, use your loveliness". It will work wonders.

Back at the house, models weigh in. Lisa talks about how think she is and she's lisping. Ugh. Bianca says she weighs the most in the house and Sarah doesn't love that. Heather is yelling about Tyra Mail, like she's scared to touch it. It's a weird moment. Is this part of the condition? Is it rigged? Girls are going to be in a video! They don't know who the artist is yet. It's Enrqiue Iglesias! The girls are like "uh, yay!" Girls were hoping for Chris Brown or something. Rique has to pick one. He was just on "Young & The Restless" so he better treasure these moments while he can. Seriously, these girls nearly dropped their drawers when Tyson showed up so their reaction here is tepid. "Uh, wow, he's like...really cute. Yeah". Poor Rique.

Girls get costumes. The director strolls up, and they want someone Gothic because it has a "vampire feel" to the video. Oh Heather? NO! Lisa's Gothic? What the hell? No, now Heather gets picked as backup. Bianca is ANNOYED. The director thinks Heather is a vampire. Me, too. A video is shot. Heather gets fierce and plays with Rique's face! Chantal is down but then she says her "natural talent for modeling" kicked in when she got in front of the camera. Her modesty didn't, though. The director thought she felt stiff. Ambreal gets to slide down the pole. I love this video stuff! She killed the wall slide! Lisa gets to roadblock Rique with her gam! Hot! Sarah, Saleisha and Bianca are featured in their own room WAY off the main set for their footage and the director's like "ladies, that was nice" meaning neither you nor the world will ever see a lick of that tired footage.

Heather hasn't eaten. It's hot and Sarah thought she was going to die. Jesus Christ, it's an Enrique Iglesias video, not a plane crash. Heather goes down, Enrique is unimpressed. Girls are scared. Heather does not look good. It looks a little on the epileptic/drowning in this chair side. Yikes. Call a friggin' ambulance, slowpole video shoot bastards! And she looks like chalk. Saleisha says that Heather needs to "get some nutritious back in her body". Enough said about that statement. Saleisha's like I don't think Heather parties til' 2 o'clock in the morning so it's a lot for her. You'd be surprised about what kind of antics people get up to at a "Magic: The Gathering" game! Heather's known to eat two packs of Twizzlers in one sitting and flip the bird to the dungeon master when her elvish thief gets killed! Heather gets a bananna and a water. Heather felt her heart was warmed by the girls' concern. Bianca hates to be a bitch, but feels that Heather will have a nervous breakdown trying to live a model's life. I don't know about nervous breakdown but certainly go into a coma. The director just kinda bids them goodbye because he doesn't have time for critiques. these dropping models with the vapors have cost him valuable 'Rique time!

Tyra mail. No pictures this week, so I guess they're getting judged on their video ho footage. Chantal is totally full of herself and not nervous and she is so digging her own grave. Use your delusion, Chantal. Tyra looks hotsy, still not disguising the stank, though. Jessy the video director is here. Lisa gets props. She does look evil. And I'm liking it. Ambreal is told she hoochied it out. And that she licked her lips. HAH! The director disagrees. He won't be asked back. You don't cross Tyra. Sarah and Saleisha turned it out, but Sarah's told that it was noticeable. And of course Sarah's told that because of her OBVIOUS weight loss - she's losing her plus-size model niche. Which of course means she's much too dumptruck to be an ACTUAL model. These people are sick.

Jenah doesn't look bewitching. Heather does, despite the almost dying. Jenah's told she looks more like a vampire now than she did in her footage. Mostly because she's getting poor grades and it's made her "somber". Why didn't they just set up a negative judging panel at the shoot to insure vampire behavior? Chantal strolls up thinking she's all bad. And she looks like an ass. She's told she held back. HAH! Stick it! Bianca looks the ass, too. A lot of kissing. She's not fluid. It's not "the cabbage patch" enough. Hey, I didn't say it! It's not "hammer time" enough! It's not "Roger Rabbit" enough! It's not "the Aunt Jackie" enough! This is in no way "chicken noodle soup with soda on the side" enough!

Before we get back to the show, there's a bizarre Drew Barrymore for CoverGirl commercial that appears to be highlighting Drew's forehead and receding hairline. Seriously, her forehead is the star. I feel like I'm being headbutted by her. What is it with this chick? There's the lisp and the cow boobies and now forehead sex? Untraditional standards of beauty with that one. And doesn't she have enough dough? Judges judge. Jenah wasn't in control of her sexy. And that's so very important. Nigel addresses Sarah's plus size status as if Sarah lied about having big legs initially. The director liked Bianca's sexy control, though. Oh, we're down to it! We're down to Chantal and Sarah. Jenah's hair is so....I don't know what's needed here. A hat, maybe? Some conditioner? Seriously, Sarah's being judged on her happy medium of healthy weight. And she's out. But not before Chantal's told she was a "waste of film". HAH! Damn. Stab that confidence out of her! Sarah is sobbing. No, you need to represent Red Sox Nation! Stay strong, mid-size girl! She collects herself back at the house. She's pretty and they gave her a good haircut.

We get to see the video! Chantal looks old! I might have to download this song! And act out my own video. I would look so hot in those boots! 'Rique needs to call me.

Next - Chantal crouches by a car on fire. Heather wigs out in the shower. And the girls are left high and dry in the desert. Their driver is sick of them, too, apparently.

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