You Have Tom Cruise Sexuality Questions. 'In Touch' Has Answers. [Beard Or No Beard]

You Have Tom Cruise Sexuality Questions. 'In Touch' Has Answers. [Beard Or No Beard]
A Thanksgiving mystery no less confounding than what exactly comprises the "giblets" portion of "giblets and gravy" appears to have finally been solved by none other than third-tier supermarket newsweekly In Touch magazine: After hiring "porn star-turned-P.I. Paul Barresi" to investigate the oft-scrutinized sexuality of an aggressively self-avowed heterosexual superstar (who, it may warrant mentioning, is game for dressing up like a hunky Nazi and a Feed the Bears background player when the part calls for it), the verdict is in: Tom Cruise loves women!

"Everything I've found and everything I know points to Tom being heterosexual," Barresi tells the magazine, the same man who once peddled a book about Big Red, the firecrotched gay porn star who claims to have had wrestling-themed sex with the actor. Whether that negates Barresi's credibility on the matter, or renders him the world's foremost Tom Cruise: Gay or Not Gay? authority, we don't know. What we do know is that In Touch has given an ever-inquisitive nation something to truly be thankful for tomorrow as it shovels a third helping of stuffing down its collective, overloaded gullet.
Published 11/21/07 by


Defamer

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