America's Next Top Model: "I Have To Put My Trust In Strange People I Don't Know? I Don't Trust Some Family Members..."

Previously - Heather went full-on Sissy Spacek covered in blood, Ambreal danced her way out of our lives, and the remaining girls are off to terrorize China

I'm really going to miss Ambreal contorting herself obscenely for the cameras in the phone booth whilst speaking to her family. "Ya'll look we got China books!" Heather lets us known that she's always wanted to go to China. Really? Fire signs are very into China. Like they're even going to have time to explore. They're going to have to spend the three days there doing stupid model challenges. Lisa says being in the bottom two last episode has taken its toll on her. She's stayed strong for so long...what? You've been whining about how you suck for three episodes now!

Heather's still having a bad day, as exhibited by her refusal to move so Bianca can get her suitcase past. She resolutely plants her badass self on the floor, sorting through panties and ignoring Bianca's request. Maybe it's her condition. Things are tense in the model dorm. Bianca tells us that she has to speak to Heather more than she has to speak to her little sister. Maybe Heather's just trying to avoid having to look at the scary clown mouth you present when you put too much lip chap on. Bianca says under her breatht that they should send her ass home, but then says that's just her. You can say it, it's ok. You're still in a competition. And we know you're evil incarnate.

More "America's Next Top Model" after the jump!

We get that terrible graphic with the airplane and the girls' faces on the side, flying to China. Can't Bankable Productions splurge on some new computer-generated artwork? No, Tyra's spending all that money on vagina puppets. Shanghai. It's kinda lit up, huh? Bianca's thinking shopping because everything's "made in China". Uh, yeah? Direct from the source? I'm a bimbo. Is that how it works? Ambreal's feel like they're part of the Jetsons. Heather feels Shanghai is like Las Vegas. I feel like these chicks are wearing on me and we've got five more eliminations. The Jays show up. Ms. Jay looks old and broken down. I think I see some grays.

The girls get to their penthouse. It's Chinese. These girls are so still freaking out about being there. Everyone runs for beds, and there's only five and (of course) Heather is left out. The producers know how to create drama. Saleisha got the big bed which of course is supposed to be shared. But since she's afraid that she'll become insta-lez if she shares a bed with someone and it would go against her religious upbringing, she refuses to share. So I guess Heather isn't getting a bed? Wasn't Saleisha a-ok about sharing a shower with other women? But not a bed? The girls taunt Heather. Do females always do this? Why must the pack cut down the weakest one? Is it just survival? Bianca's loud-ass mouth is cackling. Heather stalks off, crying and swearing. Bianca thanks Saleisha for making her day. There's evil in that clown mouth! Bianca says it makes her day whenever Heather freaks out like that. Bianca's a really caring individual. The producers are manipulating me so bad. It's all fun and games until Heather starts painting the walls in model blood in the name of bullied people everywhere. Bianca tells her she's the joke, and Heather is determined not to let it bring her down. I say that your penthouse is on the 65th floor, you could probably toss a bitch out a window with your autism strength.

Black Friday starts at 4 AM?!?! Who the hell shows up for a Kitchen-Aid blender at 4 AM?!? Carson Kressley is hosting a reality show about mother-daughter paegants? The CW just gets deeper and deeper as they mine the human soul for truth and beauty Shanghai. Replay Bianca cackling. Chantal sticks up for Heather and solves the bed situation. Bianca is a douchebag as she says "I know Heather has disabilities, or whatever..." Wait, or whatever? I know you have a clown mouth! And it's not "whatever"! You got a clown mouth! Bianca doesn't like the fact that Heather is 21 and needs people to stand up for her. Does Satan live in your breasts, Bianca? Were you put here to be Heather's baptism of fire? Next day. "SHUT THE DOOR, HEATHER!" as they leave. Man, YOU SHUT THE DOOR! Heather just needs to use her telekinetic powers to shut the door. And then stop some hearts from beating.

A movie set in China. The girls meet Louis. He stages a Kung Fu action scene. It's hot, but not as hot as the river of sweat running between Lisa's breasts. Seriously, she's soaked. Poor girl, I'm a sweat hog, too. The girls are going to learn martial arts. Some are better than others. Lisa tells us it's all about body control, like when you need to keep your honeypot the center of attention but still need to grab that five dollar bill so that drunk can't take it back. Louis is going hella fast, and the girls have trouble keeping us. Bianca lets us know that she wanted to stay positive but she had to be her, so she got sour. We're all just in Bianca's headspace, you know. None of us are real. There's just Bianca.

The girls are going to have to do the poses on wires. High in the air. They could be splat models, watch out! They're in Chinese robes. Bianca is scared of heights. She is? Did Ambreal's fear overshadow hers last time on the skyscraper? Jenah and Chantal go first. It looks painful and no one remembers their positions. They're just hanging there. Next Lisa and Saliesha. They seem to know the positions. Bianca is having problems, she wants to go shopping and not hang off buildings. She notes that the wires look really thin, and she has to trust the four guys holding her up. They're strange people she doesn't know, and she doesn't trust some family members. Heather is trying to counsel Bianca, and she sounds really naggy which I love because Clown Mouth deserves whatever she gets. Louis tells Bianca she will be disqualified. Bianca is left clutching her face and thinking when we cut to Jaslene who I think is trying to tell us did another "Seventeen" shoot. I don't know.

For real, Drew Barrymore's forehead needs to stop. Back up off the camera, Drew. Back to the Crouching Model drama, Chantal says that Bianca is terrified of heights. Bianca asks to be taken down. Heather is living large and LOVING it. She totally showed Bianca up. Heather won the challenge. She won 532.18. She picked Chantal to accompany her on the shopping spree. The girls get heavily made up to go shopping. They look like showgirls. They're very tall compared to the Shangai folks.
Actually, almost monstrous. Are people shorter in China because everything's so crowded? Does evironment affect that? Someone call Nova.

The girls have some "queen" challenge the next day, and have to bring outfits. Mr. Jay is there and it's time for a photoshoot. Brent is the Covergirl guy and they're going to be shooting an ad. Please do as well as Jaeda did. "It's so fabulous...." Lisa's still talking about strength, and she needs to get over it. Heather is having trouble learning her lines, and snarling at no one as she stalks around. Chantal thinks shooting in her own clothes is no fun, she wants the designer stuff. Despite Lisa's whine and cheese, she's still strikingly beautiful. Showtime. Saliesha's up! She kills it. Bianca's told to have fun with it, and Covergirl Brent tells her that they are not a firing squad. She says she has flaws, but makes them beautiful. Heather's up and I'm terrified for her. Mr. Jay notes "well, she LOOKS gorgeous..." Ouch. She eventually gets fed her lines. Jenah's on take 13. So Heather's not alone. I wonder if Mr. Jay gets so very tired of this mess. Looking at a monitor, coaching these women. Lisa is falling apart. And she looks terrified. And is. Then she cries. Mr. Jay notices she's only focused on failing. It's kinda true. Saliesha tries to help her, but stalks off with her Dorothy Hamill when Lisa's unresponsive.

As they read Tyra Mail aloud, Lisa is sorta mocking the "Love, Tyra". Bitterness is creeping in. Bianca asks Lisa what she will do if she gets sent home. "Cry," Lisa reponds. Well, at least she's truthful. Bianca says she won't let them send her home for not being flown in the air. Does she mean she'll stage some sort of hostage situation or chain herself to Twiggy until the SWAT team arrives? Everything in Shanghai is lit up. Everything. Even the babies. Tyra explains the deal, and sounds mocking sad when talking about the first girl sent home from China. She's such an evil bitch. She has a clown mouth in her, as well.

Lisa's up and desperate. She's told the cry and panic was noticeable. Tyra tells her if she has to cry, CRY! Lisa rocked the photo. Lisa hates that Chantal is "bubbly and adorable". But they mock her hick looking photo. Maybe she shouldn't have worn overalls with huge white buttons and a yellow shirt. Tyra mentions a butter churn. Ok, that was funny. Bianca's up. Tyra notes that she was disqualified. Bianca mentions her trust issues with strangers, and Ms. Jay tells her she's in the wrong business. Well, there's a difference between trusting someone to do your eye makeup right and trusting some man who doesn't speak your language not to have greasy hands while holding up the rope that has you thirty two feet off the ground. I'll give Bianca that much. I thought Bianca's reason for being a queen ("she has flaws but she makes them beautiful") was hot. Tyra says her whole commercial was flawed but she looked beautiful. Ms. Jay starts talking about how he's a queen, and Nigel says something snarky and it looks like it might be go-time. That would be the hottest thing to ever happen on "Top Model". My money's on the Afro.

Jenah's up. She lacks charm. But Nigel doubts she's listening. Jenah's photo is hot. Saliesha rocks the commercial, but looks busted in her photos. Heather gets broken down. Her photo is hot, though. She looks like her sunny twin from the mirror universe. Judges deliberate. Saleisha's said to prove that inner beauty goes a loooonnngggg way. HAH! They hate her haircut, too. Well it was your idea! Nigel hates Jenah. Nigel is so stank this judging, even Ms. Jay mocks his ass with some faces. And here we go. Tyra says that they all did really bad. It was just a "mess". Bianca needs to work on her fears, and her clown mouth. It's down to Heather and Lisa. Was Ms. Jay able to save Lisa. I don't think so, bitch is already crying! There's a "top modeling business", Tyra? Is that different than the other one? Tyra tells Heather that the "judges are actually interested in you". Actually? Ouch. Lisa's going home, and she was right - she cries. I'm sorta shocked, her photos were hot and I thought she had the chance. Back to the pole with you!

Next - Go-sees! So we get to see wannabe models yell at cab drivers! I love that!

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