Jack Bauer Goes to Jail

Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food. Sutherland will be serving the 48 days with no early release and no good time/work time credit.

If I know Jack Bauer — and I do — he’s gonna be out of there in 24 hours anyway. That’s just how he rolls. There’s no stopping him. Watch seasons two and three again if you don’t believe me. Look, I know that the real Kiefer Sutherland is a drunken ass, and I’ve seen the video of him karate-chopping the hotel Christmas tree and heard his lame-ass band and all that, but there’s just something about Jack Bauer that sets my loins ablaze. In a different way than the herpes already do. He makes me feel like a fourteen year old girl at a boy band concert or something. If I ever actually met him, I’d probably be so nervous and excited that I’d just stammer and giggle until my panties exploded. Namely because I would no doubt empty my bowels with a magnitude my lower intestines had never known before out of sheer exhilaration. Yeah, I know Brazilian cut isn’t really known for it’s load-bearing capacity, but you wouldn’t expect a girl to wear grandma panties when she meets Jack Bauer, would you? It’s hard to know what to do. That’s the kind of conundrum known as a “catch-22.” Or in this case, a “catch-24.“1 Get it? God, that’s ing brilliant. I’m going to go lay down now before it starts to hurt.

1See, the good thing about writing this from a computer is that you can’t reach out and slap me across the face for that, no matter how much you want to.

Lots of Jack hotness for the ladies:

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