Marcia Cross Gives Birth to Twins

The girls, Eden and Savannah, who were born at a Los Angeles hospital, are the first children for the Desperate Housewives actress, 44, and her stockbroker husband Tom Mahoney, 49, who married in June 2006. “Mother and babies are all doing well,” says Cross’s rep.

You’ll notice her rep didn’t mention the twins being human babies. That’s because they aren’t. I was on a bus to Toledo this one time and got abducted by aliens, the largest and most disturbing of whom happened to be Marcia Cross. I know it was her. There’s no mistaking all that forehead and insectan eyes and vein-riddled skin. She’s not really a red-head, you know. She’s bald as Britney ing Spears, and I set out to prove it once and for all last year. I hid on the set of “Desperate Housewives” until she was alone and then ambushed her while she was in the bathroom — I kicked in the stall door and screamed “Your secret is out, sister!” while lifting her off the toilet in one swift motion. My plan was foiled, though, when that Felicity Huffman lumbered in and beat the living hell out of me with one of her boat-sized shoes. I still don’t have any feeling in the left side of my face. I’m pretty sure Felicity’s not an alien, though. She just happens to have a spare penis and a set of balls.

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