Welcome once again to our Oscars liveblog, where for roughly the next four hours and seventeen minutes (adjust your Oscar pool tie-breaker answer accordingly), we'll be huddled over our laptop, offering alcohol-delayed commentary on the very things you're watching on your TV at home. And because we're not afraid of the kind of cutting-edge innovations that will be on display in the Academy Awards telecast, this year we'll be blogging from inside a Lucite tank that will slowly fill with refreshing, liver-perforating pink André champagne; should the show exceed four hours, we'll perish by drowning unless our quick-thinking Sober Intern can fish us out before our lungs have completely filled with affordable sparkling wine. Should we not survive, embeddable YouTube video of our grisly demise will be made immediately available.
Here we go! In observance of sacred liveblogging tradition, new entries will appear at the top. Refresh the page every ten seconds or so for our latest nonsense:
6:05: A quick programming note: If you text FOLLOW DEFAMER to 40404, you'll get instant Oscar updates from this liveblog to your mobile phone from Twitter.com. Sound like an unbelivable amount of fun? It is! You can leave the laptop behind and stay connected even while using the bathroom!
6:00: Somewhere, Dakota Fanning plots the violent deaths of child actor competition Abigail Breslin and Will Smith's Son (name unavailable at posting time); Fanning's agent calms her irate client by reminding her that neither underage hack has done a rape movie yet.
5:53: During Will Ferrell and Jack Black sing "The Ballad of the Tragically Un-nominated," Peter O'Toole is unfazed by Black's threat to beat the old man to death with his Nickelodeon award. He's already been hardened by Ellen's eariler attack. Also, Ferrell, Black, and surprise crooner John C. Reilly promise to triple-team Helen Mirren. We fear this is only the first of many jokes relating to Mirren's incredible do-ableness.
In other news, Pan's Labyrinth wins again (make-up)! They're on their way to a sweep.
5:46: Dreamgirls loses its first Oscar of the night. Pan's Labyrinth wins Art Direction, but the victory seems somewhat secondary to DreamWorks' disappointment.
5:44: Host realizes that tambourine-and-gospel-choir act might have fallen a little flat: "I wouldn't want to follow that!" Luckily, first presenter Nicole Kidman has had every facial muscle paralyzed, making her unable to wince at the failed bit.
5:41 pm: Ellen kneecaps septuagenarian Best Actor nominee Peter O'Toole! He survives the attack, barely, once his nurse/date applies defribrillator paddles to the front of his tuxedo, shocking him right back into the opening monologue.. Also, this just in: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally cute!
5:40 pm: Obviously brainwashed by producer Laura Ziskin, DeGeneres boldly comes out against boring speeches. They don't want them!
5:37 pm: Ellen DeGeneres TuxedoWatch: She goes with the burgundy velvet! We thought she'd do with something a little more restrained to start, but she's already blowing our minds with her bold fashion choices. Next up: a lavendar number incorporating chaps and a lasso.
5:32 pm: Errol Morris apparently gives every single Oscar nominee two and a half seconds of screen time in his groundbreaking reinterpretation of those Mac ads we all love so much. The best: Peter Morgan saying it's not OK to talk about wanting to The Queen. (The real one, not Helen Mirren. It's perfectly acceptable to want to nail her.)
Defamer
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Will you go see Zac Efron's new movie "17 Again"?
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