Paris Hilton Cries Me a River!

Today Paris Hilton cried. Cried! 

Pinch me Loretta, for it’s almost too good to be real, but she BURST into TEARS and blubbered like a broken baby! Bwaaaa..wa, wa, waaaaaaaaaaaa! It was fabulous.  

And if this isn’t butterscotch scrumptious enough, there is full photo and video documentation of the event to commemorate it for future generations, and if THAT isn’t good enough, just guess who made her cry? Guess!  

Right. 50 Cent! Amazing.  

Here is what happened:  

50 Cent was rapping or whatever. Rap, rap rap! It was during some swanky and, as they say, “star-studded” Super Bowl pre-party thingy, in, for some unfathomable reason, Scottsdale, Arizona. (Is that where the Super Bowl lives? I’m clueless.) During his performance, Paris, ever presumptuous, thought it would be a good idea to rush the stage and treat the audience to a lovely whore dance. Dance, dance, dance! Mr. Cent, never to be upstaged by a Hilton, paused mid rhyme and told the stupid biznitch to get the, and I quote, “[bleep]”off his “[bleeping[“ stage, thank you madam. Indeed!

Well, Paris, who doesn’t like to be yelled at unless it’s for money, broke down like a dairy mule and wept herself a river to swim out on. Which she promptly did. Witnesses say that she hadn’t cried that much since she went bonzo in prison, which reminded me that I had already totally forgotten shed ever been to prison. That’s how damaged my attention span is. I blame television.  

What? 

Cry cry cry, swim swim swim. And it will all be on YouTube forever.  

Thank you, Jesus.

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