Nip/Tuck: What On God's Green Earth Is Wrong With Joan Van Ark's Face?!?

By J. Harvey

Mary Cherry from "Popular" (Ryan Murphy's show prior to this one), crazy Sharon Gless and Sean round the corner. Mary Cherry is some sort of publicist and has gotten Sean booked on the Miss Teen USA pageant as a judge. I think he's seduced enough teenagers this season, thanks. Sharon Gless wants to know why her client would want that. Mary Cherry's answer is to call Sharon Gless "a menopausal agent with Chardonnay breath and an ill-fitting ensemble from Chico's". DAYUM! Mary Cherry, honey, she will turn you into a Beanie Baby. This is no joke. Sharon chooses not to kill her just then, she needs to make some publicist props first to go with her dead body. She's landed Sean a job as a rep for Sizzler's new heart smart salad bar and both Sean and Mary Cherry are like uh, no.

Christian saunters in to ask Sean to help on a consult, and asks Sharon if she wants to represent him as well. Sharon informs him that she watched the first episode of "Hearts and Scalpels" and his ass can't act. Christian is silent and goes to speak with...Donna Mills. Donna Mills apparently really threw herself into this role and got some plastic surgery as research. I say this because she appears unable to close her eyes. I feel as if I could toss a kickball at her face, and her eyes would remain staring at the ball as it boxed her face. In fact, I doubt there would even be any sign of a flinch.

More Nip/Tuck after the jump.

Donna Mills says she is here to interview him and wants to know if he wants to be on the society page. He's probably banged half the list, men and women, so I doubt he cares. He may be a plastic surgeon but he just really wants to act. It turns out that Donna Mills and her geriatric friends are losing their plastic surgeon and need a new one. So she's inviting him to a dinner party to get to know him. Walker sex with old ladies gang bang! Christian's stank about it. I wouldn't be. I'd go. Free booze, good gossip and old lady triangular mystery! Ok, leave that last part out. Donna reminds him that they're the real power and that they have all the money, blah blah blah Satan socialite divorced lady girl gang. Christian's desk lamp is a bronze square with tumors. I know some interior decorators like to put some ugly in to contrast with the pretty but that lamp is why we have oncologists.

Oh christ, Kimber has teamed up with Eden. How will we contain this much psychosis. Eden is wearing huge-ass sunglasses. They're in for a consult and Christian notes that their partnership is a sign of the Apocalypse. It turns out when Kimber's company saw Eden banging Bradley Cooper on YouTube, they signed her ass. Kimber says she's one of the most natural talents she's seen in a long time. No one can get on their back like Eden! Eden reveals that her face is all jacked up, and it's from Kimber punching her. Is Kimber B.A. Baracus? Meth can make ya real strong-like. It's like spinach! Except it also turns your teeth back and makes you sell your children to white slavers.

We get this flashback to the film they shot. It's this stylized Bettie Page crap with a revolving makeup mirror and faux-lesbianism. It turns out Kimber's bf/producer Ram only allows Kimber to do girl-on-girl now which is why she's a middle-aged woman molesting 18 year old girls. It's some psychosexual bull in which Kimber makes love to her younger self. And it's pretty lame porn because both these trollops are clothed. Anyway, they're flopping about in black lingerie and driving gloves with pink bows on them when Eden asks Kimber to hit her. Because she's a "little whore". Couldn't she have asked earlier in the season? I'm sure someone could have found a baseball bat or a hammer or something. Eden wanted to make an impression.

Kimber says she's here to get Sean to fix Eden because he's the "marquee talent" and she takes the opportunity to tell Christian that he's lame. Lame like clubfooted people! Christian calls her a whore, and she begins to tell him that she's successful and a great mom and Jenna's first word was "Ram". Eden's still trying to keep Sean's sail at half-mast at all times, and says he has "a delicate touch". Good lord, this girl needs to be euthanized. Someone slip Liz a sawbuck. Eden's on the table, and tells Sean she's scared of never waking up. Sean tells her she needs to make better choices. Eden's all you care about me, blah blah balh. And she asks for a kiss. The nurses are right there for god's sake. Isn't that illegal or something. At the very least it's tacky-ass. Eden says she has to make another movie for Ram in six days and needs his help. Nothing's hotter than a porn star with her head wrapped in bandages. Sean's like we'll see. Seriously, offer Liz a free trip to the Dinah Shore Classic or something.

Christian gets on his penguin suit and heads over to Donna Mills' House of Age. She answers the door holding a cat. Christian tells her she has a nice pussy. There is some weird jazz spoken word crap going on, as we're introduced to some other primetime soap stars of yesteryear and dear god, why is Joan Van Ark's face GRAY? Does she have frostbite? Was she at an outpost in the Arctic and something went wrong? She looks like the forgotten Hot Pocket that's been in my freezer for 7 years. GRAY I TELL YOU! Christian also meets the plastic surgeons who are his competition. There's a pair of twins who sort look like JJ Abrams. Maybe they can explain why Cloverfield disappointed everyone and how I can manage to afford the loft they lived in.

For real, when Joan Van Ark speaks - I can't....her mouth is gray but her lips look like vulva. I don't know if she's under some Gypsy curse or there's a working nuclear reactor near her home. There's a lot of talk about plastic surgery and no one likes the bald one. I'm sorry, it's hard to type with that ghoul Joan Van Ark on screen. Then there's talk of resumes and Christian takes out his . And there's a plunk of dishes and silverware and Christian's all a big wang makes a great surgeon. AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOAN VAN ARK'S FACE?!?!?!?

Eden is wearing a gorgeous silvery eyepatch and where is her lesbian mother? Should she be made aware of this? Kimber and Ram are showing Eden what her next role is going to be. Maid in a whorehouse and bukakke recipient. Eden acts like this is gross, and not a typical Wednesday night for her. She refuses to do it. Kimber is offended, as she's the screenwriter. Ram's all pay your dues, and Kimber tells her she's not even a wet spot in the industry. Kimber is a metaphorical genius. Kimber insists that she's the star and tells Eden that she needs to show her respect. Are they filming now? This sounds kinky. Eden's not one to be trod upon, and tells Kimber she's a hag basically and that youth is what sells porn. So you can bite it, Bo Duke! And you too, Marilyn Monroe impersonator Scientology weirdo.

Sean flies in and kicks them out. Ram asks when Eden will be camera ready. Eden gives a scared little doe in the hunter's gunsight look to Sean. Sean takes Ram outside. Kimber warns Eden not to cross her. Eden actually looks nervous. I would too, Kimber has a helluva right hook. She should have used it on Christian three seasons ago. I once again offer that the real reason Kimber is so loony tunes is because the Carver reversed all of her plastic surgery WITHOUT ANAESTHESIA. They never talk about that. I need continuity damnit! Even in this pervert's moist fantasy show. Sean asks Ram what he wants to break Eden's contract. Ram deduces that Sean is into Eden. Ram's price is that Sean fix up his older woman porn stars. For real, we get some old women in bikinis. I know this stuff actually happens because I have gross friends who laugh at gross things. For real, does my walker make you horny. Anyway, Sean has to fix up "four grannies" and Eden's free to on her own good time again.

Christian's banging Joan Van Ark. We left Knot's Landing a long time ago. Oh my god, facial close up. Joan spare us! Please! Christian bangs all of them. God, there is far too much old lady bod in this episode. Christian is complaining to Donna Mills about how he's basically stuck running an assembly line for the aged in need of tucks. Donna says he needs a surgery that will make him stand out. Donna wants to look like a cat. For real. Like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She insists she's not insane. She's wearing leopard and rubbing herself. Yeah, meow. And of course he's going to do it. This is Nip/Tuck. Sean tells Eden she's off the hook. Eden's trying to get in his pants again, and Sean tries to fend her off. But little do they know that Sharon Gless is watching the whole thing. Oh jesus, there's gonna be trampy teenager doll decorating her apartment.

Christian prepares to operate on Donna Mills by posting pics of cats. And then it's cut time. Liz refers to her as "Garfield". Linda the sensible nurse leaves because she realizes it's nuts. And so does Liz. Eden's calling her gay friend to bring her magazines, and coke. That's what we gays are for. We get the "Exorcist" theme, and we know Sharon Gless' crazy ass is in the house. She brought Eden an Eden bear. Eden speaks for all of us when she notes that both bear and maker are creepy. Sharon tells Eden that Sean doesn't love her. Eden notes that Shar's in love with Sean. And that she's a desperate old bag. Sharon notes that Eden's known as the town pump on the set of "Hearts and Scalpels". Eden starts believing Sharon. Eden's sugar tits are brought up. Sharon wins this round because Eden's convinced.

Christian and Sean talk about Christian's smugness and Sean notes that something good must have happened to him. Christian feels that he's Michelangelo. Mary Cherry calls Sean to come down to some street corner. Is she on the stroll? Sean doesn't care that Christian's an "artist" because people can still sue. The middle-aged ladies are here for Donna's unveiling. Joan Van Ark's face is like what happens when George Romero is directing. So Donna Mills is a cat and her friends are horrified. It turns out Donna Mills has the Britney disease and she was off her meds. Donna seems fine with her new face and refers to herself as a "hot pussy". Oh dear lord. Shari Belafonte is wearing dark glasses to protect herself from Joan Van Ark's face. The aged ladies tell Sean to reverse the procedure or he's screwed.

Sean meets Mary Cherry downtown. They discover Sharon Gless' teddy bear stand. It turns out this is Sharon Gless' real job. Sean starts tearing up Sharon Gless' teddy bear paradise. Mary Cherry keeps rubbing it in and you know she's not long for this world. At least not as a non-stuffed individual.

Kimber's in bed with some pills and Ram. She's very tan. Ram explains that it's just business and he tosses her pills away. It turns out Kimber's upset because Eden's on the wrong side of her bed. Literally. She's in bed with the two of them. They're now a threesome. Do the producers expect us to feel bad for Eden? I don't.

Christian is reversing Donna Mills' cat face. Christian berates Sean about Sharon Gless. Sean agrees he was a fool but he enjoyed the ego massage. Sean goes home and you know Sharon Gless is there. They have a really nice fridge. It's like a fridge for beverages alone. Sean finds blood on the balcony, and follows the trail through the living room. Why do they have highlighted blue vases? Is this the museum of gay? There's some weird figure in white roaming around. It turns out to be Sharon Gless who's taken a blade to her wrists. Typical. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JOAN VAN ARK'S FACE? DOES HER FAMILY KNOW? Sorry, it's bothering me.

Next - I assume someone bandages Sharon Gless' wrists. An ugly critic gives Sean a bad review, and Sean tells him that he's ugly. Matt tells his burn victim love interest she's unattractive and Eden continues to poison Julia. It's love all around.

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