America's Next Top Model Premiere!

There is much that one could say about last night's America's Next Top Model (Cycle Ten) premiere. One could say much, for example, about the semiotics of Tyra's drag-inspired imitation of a homecoming queen (a signifier of her power over the model-wannabes, tempered by an ironic wink - the tattered weave, the tear-streaked mascara stains, the declarations that she "slept with all your boyfriends!!!" - to the camp sensibility that keeps the Misses J and every other ANTM underling from dumping a bucket of pig's blood over her head). One could discourse at length about the subtle nuances in the meaning of the word ghetto ("She didn't say that I was ghett-O. She said that I was GHETT-o!"). One could speculate about the reasons why the squat chick with the Chevy Impala made the cut (Miss J wants her car?).

But end of the day? The issue that most demands discussion is the chick with the baby who said that during the ANTM-imposed separation from her baby she was pumping her breastmilk and DRINKING IT.

It started out promising. A tall, willowy young woman, who looks as though her tummy has never been stretched by so much as a little excess gas, stands in front in Tyra and henchmen and proclaims that she has a new baby and that the separation is difficult, not least because she is currently nursing. How is she dealing with that? Why, she's pumping of course! And is she Fedexing the milk back to baby? Dumping it? Why, no! She's drinking it! Because, you know, she wants to resume nursing when she gets home.

Which, right. Of course. Because if you drink it? It goes right back into your boobs, where it started, and restocks those mammary dairy shelves. It's recycling! You never run out! Also? It tastes like soy! YUMMY.

(No comment on the fact that Tyra and crew, upon the young woman's departure from the room, drained glasses of milk and then called out after her for refills.)

It's disappointing, really, because I'd totally put my money on this girl - Claire - to take the competition (assuming, that is, that Fatima - the gorgeous Somali girl - doesn't take it. Or that the squat chick with the Impala doesn't run everybody over.) I just don't know if someone who drinks their own breastmilk in an effort to keep the milk pumps juiced is really cut out for the demanding business of reality TV modelling.

Oh, wait, right: we're talking about REALITY TV MODELLING. The domain that Tyra Banks mastered.

Claire'll be fine.