I like the new, sexy Dita Von Teese opening and Tyra working her old lady wig. I think that this cycle's going to come down to Breast Milk Claire, the Russian Katarzyania chick, and punk rock Lauren. Those are my initial thoughts. Each brings something. Drew Barrymore shot another Cover Girl ad in which her forehead is the star. Seriously, Drew, back the melon up. NYC! Marvita's slept at friend's houses, she tells us. I'd give her my bed, she scares me. Woosta Kim feels that people think she's another dumb blonde, but she's really "down to earth". Notice she didn't contest the "dumb" part. Woosta representin'! Fatima pulls her hair back and tells us her approach is to be strong. Marvita asks 80s queen Amy why she's now going by "Amis". "Cause it's in the Bible and sounds like Amy". Ok, Debbie Gibson by way of Gideon. "Why are you named Marvita?" Amis asks. Cause, that's my damn name and I will be tattooing a teardrop under my eye after I kill you, sucka! Tyra Mail comes by messenger. Along with directions to their new loft. It's hot. It's one bedroom with tons of bunkbeds, and then one gigantic bed for several girls to sleep with. Welcome to Top Model girls! Ugh, I'd quit. Unless the other guys were hot.
Marvita reminds us that she was homeless. Fatima reminds us that she's clitoris-less. Just wear nametags. Atalya misses home and she's 18. The other models are like "and?" She's so gone. The loft doors come equipped with a no smoking sign, so most of the models take this to mean - don't smoke. Kimberly, Amis, and Fatima go outside for a butt. The other models take offense. Kimberly does this thing which probably gets her a lot of free drinks in the Woosta bars where she plays with her hair and explains when i need to smoke, I just need one, cause I'm on edge. Tee hee. And Marvita looks at her like Kimberly's ridden along with Klaatu to make the Earth stand still.
More ANTM, after the jump!
Models talk in the kitchen. Amis is talking about dumb , and I think I hate her. I sorta hate Fatima, too, despite her trauma. Mainly because she's straightened her hair and when she's not stumping to end genital mutilation, she's cranky. What happened to her was ghastly, but you can still avoid being a douche. Fatima calls Amis a "clown". Amis responds by talking about being insulted like she's in a play. Seriously, she sounds like she's acting in the production in her Debbie Gibson mind. Marvita says she's gotta watch Fatima. Fatima better watch out if Mad Dog Marvita's on her case, because she could wind up losing more than her clit. Fatima says "I didn't realize I could make people fell upset, it's interesting" out loud. Yeah, she's a douche. Why is her internal monologue turned outward?
The Jays show up. Mr. Jay looks like the most homosexual spy ever. They take the girls on a tour of NYC. Ms. Jay is taking Ed Hardy to a whole new level. Badgley Mischka is here to dress the girls for a Times Square fashion show. Why couldn't I be there for this? Damn! I would have throw flowers. Or rocks if Fatima or Amis came out. A crowd has gathered. It looks cold. The Jays introduce the mess to come. Some of these girls can't walk, so I'm scared for them. Marvita cleans up well when you wash the prison off.
She does well but her head was down. Atalya can walk. Dominique works the trenchcoat like a trannie should. Katar-whatever the Russian is short but striking. "Silent Predator" Allison is weighed down by her stank. Woosta Kimberly is wearing $500 shorts and a $700 bag and says she doesn't believe in paying so much money for an outfit. She's not going to fit in. Claire does awesome. She's my pick. Stacy Ann's a little too hair show. Amis is just goofy, and the Jays think so too. Plus she's wearing Marvita's dress but chopped. She acknowledges she's a "ragamuffin". I hate that she took one of my favorite words. Oh, and punk rock Lauren can't walk and she doesn't even have the excuse of autism. Ms. Jay makes a face. Oh oh. He even does a side-eye like "what just happened with that girl?" Whitney thinks she's in "Full-Figured Maxim".
Fatima is f*cking weird. She like, slaps Marvita's face and doesn't say anything. What? I guess in the heat of the moment she had some kind of reflex action. But it's bizarre. Plus, this isn't the gal you want to be getting physical with! Mad Dog Marvita will take your ass downtown! Fatima's like I don't remember, you're the last thing on my mind, blah blah blah. Did they take her mind along with her clitoris? Marvita thinks Fatima's trying to provoke her to dole out an ass-whuppin'. Claire hugs Marvita. I like Claire. A lot. I wouldn't drink her mother's milk, but I like her. They go to meet Elite and it's director. He's a tired queen. Oh god, he's here to introduce Paulina Poriskova. She looks hot. She's here to tear a bitch down. Amis has zits. Ouch. Paulina tells Dominique what we've all been thinking - mannish. Does Ric Ocasek know his wife's being a bitch for a check. Bitchy without Janice Dickinson flavor brassy is just...bitchy. It's no fun.
Paulina is clueless and tells Woosta Kimberly that she senses a dark side to her. Woosta Kimberly is like I like bunnies and Lisa Frank stickers. Tee hee. Kimberly's like I don't have a secret exactly but I might not be as innocent as I look. Translation: has made out with a girl, was in a threesome on spring break and once took a $10 for gas money from the register at Forever 21. Paulina's big advice is not to bite down on your back teeth when you're photographed. Save that for shock therapy. What is this crazy talking about? Elite guy is like "YOU are fabulous!" to Paulina as she leaves. The models are shell-shocked by being torn down, and sorta cheer but really just want to go home and cry.
Anya from Hawaii wants to huge Paulina and get her opinion. Even after what you just saw? She's into S&M. Stacy-Ann is so perky I want to kill her. A big taxi pulls up called "The Fab Cab". I kinda want it. Fatima once again tears into Marvita and tells her that her face is squished. Marvita's response: "this ho is trippin'". Marvita, just take my laptop and go with it. Marvita tells her that she's the first mean African she's ever met. Ooh, here's Saleisha. Uh, she gets her hair done. When does she get work? Shouldn't she have had work by now?
It's time for a photoshoot! Where did Mr. Jay get this huge collection of slinky trenchcoats. Ok, so the gist of this shoot is that they're going to be posing with homeless girls. WHAT? This is the ruination of all fun. Howabout getting them a hot meal and a place to stay as opposed to posing with reality show dopes? I'm waiting for a Marvita....oh there she is. Wait, one of the girls is a fashion designer. I admire her, if I was homeless I'd be looking for a man to ride all the way to shelter not draping dress forms on my sewer grate. This is a really dumb shoot. It's almost offensive. Silent Predator Allison hunches over for one of her poses and Jay tells her it's "early man". I like him more and more with each cycle, despite the condom coats. I know he's trying to give himself height, but stop.
Fatima brings it because i guess she was homeless, too. Who wasn't? Marvita gets into it with her backstage. They bond over their mutual tragedies. I fell off my orange bike and landed on my head as a kid. Can I go from hard to soft, too? Whitney Plus tells us she's dressed in something she wouldn't normally wear. Yeah, you don't rock longjohns and various knit caps piled on your damn head when you're out and about? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HOMELESS! Amis is acting like a goofball. I know, you're shocked. Kimberly doesn't understand modeling or homelessness.
Tyra mail is on one of those electronic billboards. Girls utilize the kitchen. Woosta Kimberly is still going on about not supporting high fashion. And she's telling this to Fatima. Who is the wrong bitch to provide bullets with to use in her gun. Tyra will "pose for change". Howabout she shuts up for a change? Homelessness, treated as light as a feather! The judging room looks like Liza Minelli's padded cell! Mr. Jay is coated with model names! Paulina Poriskova is the new judge! Twiggy's in London, hating on Tyra. Tyra brings up being homeless for a day on her show. Way to go, Mother Theresa. Nigel tells Punk Rock Lauren that her nervousness is detrimental, and Paulina attacks him! Ok, maybe she will add some spice to this meal!
Amis is a dolt. Seriously, she'd rather be masquerading as a boy in the locker room for her school newspaper expose. Dominique does a dramatic pause before coming before the judges. You've already been called a drag queen, why add to it? Silent Predator Allison's Pilates is working against her. Whitney is complimented for her automatic invisible wind machine. There's a flatulence joke opportunity in there somewhere, but I'm too much of a gentlemen to take it. Marvita gets screwed for looking down. Atalya is so going home. She's a blip. But Woosta might have bumped her. First, Ms. Jay calls her face a snotty old squished snot rag. I think her likes her! Than Woosta Kimberly says fashion doesn't interest her at all. Tyra's like, then why did you come here. Add a "comma dumb bitch" that's unsaid at the end of her question. All of the models are like, this bitch is crazy. Tyra's like, do you want to go home? And she's like, yeah. Tyra sends her packing. Was it the no-smoking thing? Why is she pulling an Ebony?
Woosta Kim tells us she doesn't think it's for her. Ok, fine. But even though Kim is gone, someone's still getting eliminated. I'd protest! I hope to run into Kim at a Holy Cross bar sometime. Wait, isn't she a bank teller? Maybe she'll count out my change. Tyra likes Anya. She's alone in that club. They rag on Allison as "lop-sided", "princess" and "wannabe Gossip Girl". The CW so paid for that mention. Marvita was busted on the catwalk, but brought the photo. Paulina Poriskova is going to contantly reference her own career. I like this because at least we've moved up from the Twiggy 60's to the Paulina 80's. That's some sort of advancement, at least. When Ms. Jay discusses Dominique, he does a trannie voice but he already had one so it's a weird effect. Tyra's acting like her diet pills have made her loopy on this go-round. Ooh, this is good, we need some Paula Abdul moments! Pass out on the table, and tell us you're a "gift".
Claire's in but tells Tyra her dress is "sick". Don't kiss ass, baby. She gets that every day. I called Atalya right. It's down to her and Amis. Amis is just one weird chick, man. She makes me uncomfortable. Like she'd ask me to give her a baby the first time we met. And I'd be like, but I'm gay and you frighten me. Amis cries. So does Atalya. Amis is in. Atalya seems calm. Tyra's new thing is to tell a girl why her ass is out. And Mr. Jay rips the name off right away! Ouch. Atalya feels her being ousted is a big mistake. She's worried what her family will think. Dude, they'll just be happy you survived Tyra.
Next - MAKEOVERS! Oh, and everyone hates the Silent Predator. Maybe she should teach a Pilates class to curry favor.
A Socialite's Life
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Teyona Anderson won cycle 12 of America's Next Top Model! Thoughts?
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