America's Next Top Model: "Tyra, Please Don't Shave My Head!"

In the new opening, which is very gay and I love it, Tyra does this weird spirit fingers in front of her face dance gesture which jets me to the moon. And I'm never coming back. I still can't get used to Mary J. Blighe selling cars. This is not the 411 I needed to know. Dominique needs to stop with that waterfall on her head. She needs to let the hair fall down around her face to hide the masculine. She wants to impress the judges because she's a competitor and "fierce", "strong" and "beautiful". She's a diva, she says. If she means the kind who performs at a bar that bachelorette parties flock to see guys in drag, then yeah, she's a diva.

A huge amount of purses has been left at their doorstep. It's like the guy who sells Louie Vootawns out of his car stopped by. Or was that Shanel? Marvita is happy because she got some free swag. Girls scream and shout because of free stuff. I would, too. Fatima is screaming to Jesus because of a top. That Stacy chick with the helium voice and general air of dullard shoves her ass into the confessional camera so we can see her free Apple bottom jeans. Those are some gross jeans.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Punk rock Lauren tells us that she's not a girly girl and prefers Converse and Doc Martens. Me too. Guess who I hate? Silent Predator Allison. She's a real douche. While the rest of the girls enjoy their free swag, Allison douches over on the couch eye-killing them. She tells us how she wants to kill them. Ok, i get her there but still: douche. She starts talking about all the experience she has in modeling. She's been to Asia, Bangkok, all over the place. Yeah, and you were probably on a tour bus. Sit down!

Big Whitney doesn't get the concept of Apple Bottom. Breast Milk Claire has to 'splain things to her. Suddenly it's the Battle of the Network Douches when Fatima basically tells Allison she's a fat bitch. This is unprovoked, except that maybe it's because Allison's eating at the time and Fatima's jealous. Fatima will just tell anyone anything. They removed her internal editor along with her clitoris back in Somalia.

We find out Allison's douchey because she used to have the nervosa. And she compares Fatima calling her fat with offering a tequila shot to a recovering alcoholic. Allison immediately goes and starts measuring her waist line. Ouch. Great, does this mean I can't think she's a douche? Fatima (and her weird bobblehead) feels bad but not too bad. So bad enough that the cameras can catch it.

Tyra Mail. It's like a reading lesson at Top Model Dumbass School. It's embarrassing when they read out loud like that. Stacy: "What does that mean?" She gets an F in Top Model Reading Comprehension. Amis is wearing a headwrap like Axl Rose. I hate the 80s and I hate her. The girls go to Walmart, and I'm happy to see this show wearing it's actual social stature on its sleeve. Queen Brent from Covergirl is awaiting them with a makeup artist.

Cover Girl and Walmart are going to put the winner's face all across the country. So large homophobic redneck matrons can look down on them as godless whores and then go home and beat their children. This is so lowrent. Walmart? Sad. I'm a Tarjhay man, myself. I like shoddy glamour. This is basically a whole commercial for Walmart because the make-up artist starts naming products. Give me a f*cking break. Queen Brent tells them they have to create a fresh clean look. And the camera alights on Claire who's circus clownin' her face up this evening. Claire, don't you dare get tossed out. Find your ass some cold cream pronto!

And it's on! Girls apply makeup frantically like drag queens late for the tea dance. Allison dons a spangled beret to tell us that she did better than a lot of the girls. Not in headwear. Queen Brent is all STOP, PUT THE MAKEUP DOWN. He's a bossy one, that Brent. This is Lauren's first time in makeup? She's told she should have added a rosy cheek. Slap yourself next time, Lauren. Allison lights up when Fatima is told she doesn't pop, but the table is turned when she is told she has too much makeup on. Hah! You look like the Avon truck ran you down, girl!

Claire wins it. She's redeeming Julia Stiles for me. She also has donned some funky headgear for her one-on-one with the nation. What's with the Lady Sherlock Holmes bit? Don't cover up your bad haircut, we love that scraggly you bring. She's going to be on Walmart.com. We get a bunkbed emotion clatch back home when Claire and Dominique discuss their children. Dominique is full on Girl Scout guest speaker as she is spouting cliches of inspiration left and right. Through tears. A veil of tears. This bunkbed must be sopping wet.

Allison is playing with Barbies. What? And she tells her doll that "you're black, you need more junk". Orly? Allison continues to pile it on with some racism. These s are sharing one big bed, and I'd be in agony if I had to slumber next to them. There are few redeemable characters this cycle. Everyone's just...foul. It turns out Allison said this in revenge for Fatima causing her to consider re-Dachauing herself. Can we just go makeup shopping with Claire?

By the way, Tyra Mail is so painful this cycle that I might have to actually mute my tv when these girls read aloud. They realize it's the makeover episode. Stacy approaches Tyra's huge portrait and begs her not to shave her head. I'm shocked that the portrait isn't rigged to give conflicting advice or make wacky faces. The girls meet up with the Jays at a hairburner facility. Mr. Jay says that Tyra has been crazy secretive this cycle and even they don't know what's going on. Well, how different can it get? Will someone actually be a top model for once if they win? I mean, have you heard from CariDee lately?

Tyra brings out the Joker to cut their hair. I'm kidding, he's Stephen Knoll and he's like Cindy Crawford's personal stylist or something. This might bode well for Amis because she loves the 80s and wasn't that when Cindy was big? Stephen Knoll's face has been pulled so far back that the ends might be in China. Tyra's big thing this makeover is to like judge from afar or some ? I don't know, I'm just here for the tears. Tyra narrates (and mocks) each model's makeover from a tiny box on our screens.

Oh I get it, they won't see their look until it's done. Ok. Talkative Anya gets platinum tresses that somehow make her big nose look even more GIGANTIC. Like Ms. Jay just popped her in it or something. Big Whitney gets a weave, and she wants to be in Maxim so bad. Ms. Jay is walking around with straggly tresses pinned on his head. He's the only one who ever exhibits how ridiculous this all is. They are making Marvita wear a horse's man. Tyra even makes horse noises in her Tyra-Vision explanation. For real? You don't want to mess with a jailhouse sista's dignity. Or she's going to start hiding razors up in that mane. By the way, I could listen to Marvita pronounce "YEW-tensils" all day. Marvita looks awesome, I have to say. Tyra claims to have invented it just like she invented punk rock and the Internet.

They give Lauren some actual hair. I don't even recognize her. Tyra is such a wackjob. She is having way too much fun talking to the camera. Was she drinking? Ms. Jay mocks models. He gets this show. They shave Claire's head completely and dye it blond. Hmm. I'm not sold on that one. I'm going to miss the bohemian sidewalk cafe in the city talking about her new line of crotcheted purses while drinking green tea thing she had going on. Fatima is in pain from her makeover. Allison mocks her. Basically, Fatima crossed Allison and I'm guessing Allison's one to hold a grudge. Allison actually looks nicer. We find out that her dark hair made her "cynical". No, it was your cynical that made you "cynical". Cynical hair? What?

They make Dominique....it's hard to even type this because I'm laughing so hard.....look like a transvestite school secretary from 1957. The principal wants her to call Johnny's mom RIGHT NOW. Seriously. Dominique is trying to accept it for our benefit. But sorry, no. Amis is afraid her makeover might turn her into a "roaring sex montster". Like Cloverfield, but dopier. And probably more tentacles. And wearing Electric Youth teen scent by Debbie Gibson. Allison is annoyed by Fatima's screams of weave pain. I thought she would enjoy those.

All the pain was worth it, Fatima looks dope. The next day is rainy, and they're being shot on a boat. Mr. Jay is dressed like gay "Logan's Run". Seriously, it was his time to die but he's on the run. Elle McPherson's in the hizzy selling panties. She counsels each model on what it's like where they're never going to be. Dominique's hair actually looks a little better. Maybe it just needed rainwater. Elle rubs some model's heads in what strikes me as an inappropriately dykey manner. Elle seems down, though and she's really into the photoshoot. Hey, panties don't sell themselves!

Allison's practicing her faces and doesn't need Elle McPherson's advice. They honestly picked her because she's Massengil. She says the other girls are going to suck at the photoshoot and she's not. And she bellows evil laughter. She's a damn supervillain. She's going to take on Wonder Woman and win. Mr. Jay hates Allison and her stilted posing. The photographer asks her if she's cold and Jay says no, she's just posing again. HAH! Dominique is upset because Jay tells her she's too "commercial" and tell us she has "nothing". Ouch. Don't piss a trannie off. I saw a trannie fight on TMZ and those bitches get into it. She'll snatch him bald! She goes home and yells some more about how she's not commercial. You would think he dropped the c-bomb on her. Allison tells everyone how good her shoot went.

Tyra's rocking some sort of bodyshaping outfit so people will forget the "kiss my fat ass" incident. Nigel's makeup artist went house on the bronzer. Yikes. Ms. Jay has sparkly brows. Paulina looks hotsy. I give her one cycle. Marvita rocked it and looks like a beautiful statue. Amis looks like she's cruising on the S.S. Dolt. Katar-Russian something causes Ms. Jay to remark to Paulina "it looks like what you and I used to see in the East". Do these two travel together? Did they have adventures? And they're talking about a short twentysomething in panties. What kind of adventures were they having? Paulina tells her that it's a little mail order bride #1. Ouch. Somewhere, Natasha is pissed and ready to sue if she can figure out the English. Dominique is busted. Not only for her cellulite (ouch) but for looking like a sale ad in a newspaper. That's like flashing red in front of a bull. She will tear up that panel and eat you for inferring that she's "commercial".

Anya is told her accent got even stranger since her makeover. New hair can make your nose bigger and your accent stranger. Allison is told she looks soft and pretty. She knows. They wait for the thank you. She's so evil and now dumb. She just winks at them. Oh my god. This scene is perfection. Tyra blames Whitney's photo on her clothes. She says she spoke with the stylist. Translation: slapped and fired. The photographer thought Dominique was someone's Mom who had come to pick her up on the set. That's gonna leave a mark. Tyra makes Nigel grab her ass. It's so awkward and he should sue for harassment. Where's the Top Model HR department when you need them?

It's down to Dominique and Allison. Allison starts crying. There's no crying in evil! She starts rubbing her face. The man stays. I guess they didn't use the right hair color on her so she got a pass? Allison is FREAKING. This chick is a BASKETCASE. Tyra has to talk her down from her ledge.

Next: Assume there's more product placement. And Mr. Jay has to school a bitch or two.

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