America's Next Top Model: "Like, I Eat Steak, It Wouldn't Bother Me To, Like, Put It On."

By J. Harvey

Lauren looks so hot in the opening that she might need to win this thing. Either that or she acquired one hell of a camera angle. I am still grossed out by Allison being such a bigot last episode. And how the black girls in the house didn't toss her through the window, I'll never know. The need to win a starring role in a series of Cover Girl commercials can really prevent you from thrashing what needs to be thrashed.

We're in the Fab Cab. Dominque is starting some , and tells the girls who wanted her to go home that she's there for another week. Uh, did I miss a scene or is this the rampant paranoia that comes with being the unfortunate mannish girl in the house? Big Whitney's like here she goes again. So this must be an ongoing issue that was eclipsed by the racist bitch/rude Somalian duel. Apparently, Dominique thinks she was in the "best bottom two American's Next Top Model ever had". Is that a good thing? Was there a hot cliffhanger I missed? We get a flashback of Tyra saying that Dom is getting the hair color she should have had. So she thinks that this was actually a big positive. I don't know. She looks a little too much like the librarian I was scared of in second grade to insult her further.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Some of the girls compliment Lauren on being the awkward front-runner. She says that just because she's punk she thinks she still might be pretty. Uh, Exene Cervenka is a gorgeous bitch! Fatima hates Amis. Fatima just seems to need some focus so she just picks girls that she hates. She angered the bigot girl last episode but it kinda worked cuz' KKK Allison's ass got sent home. Maybe it's her strategy? Amis is drawing tattoos on herself. She's a dopey 80s queen. She also might be mildly retarded. She seems like the kind of girl whom it would be easy to talk into anal by saying at least you won't get pregant. And then she would tell her friends "guys, he had a good point. I don't want a baby!"

The girls report in what appears to be chilly-ass NYC weather to a firehouse. Hopefully, there's a calendar shoot going on. Ms. Jay slides down a pole and into their lives and you know that felt good on her vagine. Because that thing hasn't seen action since Studio 54. The girls are going to learn how to change quickly. Ooh, they made hot shoes out of fireman's boots. Clever! Girls get in their panties in the firehouse. Fatima kept her own shoes because she sucks. I could think of something more clever to write, but that pretty much breaks it down for your asses. She pissed Ms. Jay off, who interviews after the fact with a fireman's badge as a hair ornament and who is having trouble pronouncing "pissed". I think the choppers might be fake.

Fatima talks about it afterwards, like she knew exactly what she was doing but now she's worried. If you knew it was going to be frowned upon, why did you do it? I swear they took her frontal lobe along with her genitalia back home. The girls are going to walk for fireman. Can I, too? Stacy talks about the "super super cool" firefighters. Together, her mind and Amis' mind would make one full mind.

Katar-whatever the Russian is reminded to not shake her tatters so much. Hey, it's a group of hot firemen. I would shake my moobs for all they're worth! I wonder what the firemen think of Ms. Jay. They probably want to put him out. Dominque thinks she has the best walk. Her defiant self-delusion is like a breath of fresh air. Big Whitney thinks she knows drag queens with better walks. Well, yeah. It's what drag queens do. Drag queens have better walks than you, too, baby!

Dominique is up on the fireman like it's happy hour at the Eager Beaver. Ms. Jay calls her on it and does his own show for them. The firemen are probably going to home and cry in a corner because of the amount of terrifying gender dysfunction that's been thrown on them today.

Ms. Jay thinks Fatima is a Clydesdale and has lost all faith in her. Well, we already know she's not a nice African. Lauren can't walk. She claims she was bow-legged. I think it happened in the mosh pit and it's too tragic to speak about. The highly challenged Amis thinks skipping would be funny. She's wrong. Ms. Jay doesn't like her explanation of "it makes me feel good". I think Stacy's taking home a fireman.

It turns out that Mormon Aimee's bashfulness about her God-given body is causing problems in the house. I guess she's hogging the bathroom or something to pray to Joseph Smith. I don't know. Marvita's attacking Aimee. Big Whitney checks in and defends Aimee. Fatima has a problem with Big Whitney defending Amy. Fatima would have a problem with Lauren passing the milk to Katar-whatever the Russian. Fatima's just a problem feeler.

Big Whit is doing the neck snap for the at home audience and defending Whitney. She doesn't "give a DAMN". I want her in my corner. She could hip-check a bitch for me and we could go for D'Angelo's to celebrate. Then Dominique gets involved! Is it the cold weather? These bitches might be feeling the housebound. The increasingly heinous looking Dominique feels that Whitney is "uncultured white trash". Well, someone got a adjunct professor spinster bob and thinks she's all high and mighty, huh?

They made a Cutting Edge 3? When was 2? D.B. Sweeney, I love you! Toe pick! The assorted dolt models read aloud the next Tyra Mail. The girls are going to be walking in a Tuleh fashion show. Petula Clark? Lauren looks beautiful but is dreading her walk. Tuleh guy has a hot pinstripe suit on. Jaslene and the Seventeen fug roll up. That Seventeen woman is still hurting in trying to live up to Altoosa the werewolf's legend. Amis thinks that Jaslene looks like a "Latino sandwich". Like a Cuban? I'm confused.

The winner of the runway show will appear with Jaslene in Seventeen. It rhymes! Dominique needs to stop slicking her hair back. The girls have to quick change in three minutes or get tossed. Uh oh. Big Whitney's hair looks like she just married an oil baron in 1975 Texas. Are they in a synagogue? Dress Marvita as a sexy rabbi. Big Whitney's big titty is hanging out. "Seventeen" Ann and Ms. Jay notice as does the rest of the world. Hot Mardi Gras crepe paper purse, though.

Lauren somehow gets a camel toe in this big flowing curtain jumper suit, so it's a miracle of physics. Also she basically runs out and forgets to pose, causing Ms. Jay to bellow "where is she going?" You could ask that of anyone involved in this show. Ms. Fatima missed a button so Ms. Jay wants to decapitate her. I have to say, Dominique looks like Zoltar from Battle of the Planets but it's the best she's looked all cycle.

Amis walks like she's walking to macaroni art hour at the home. Some of the girls looked really hot. Jaslene and Seventeen queen are here to judge, as is Pinstripe. Jaslene tears Lauren a new one. Deaf girls are supposed to be nice! Especially ones with junk! You know what it's like to be hurt! Lauren is very upset, and shows some punk tears. Katar-Russian whatever won it. She picks Amis and Marvita! That's a weird combo! I need to see this shoot! Janice Welles is the advertorial director of Lot 29, and seems unsure of her name. Jaslene is so manly beautiful that I want to eat her like a "Latino sandwich". The shoot ends up looking like a Glamour Shots ad.

Lauren doesn't feel like she fits in with any of the girls. Lauren starts noting which subway cars she can take to go home. The "L" and the "G". That's Williamsburg, right? I almost went into Diner the other night, but my hair isn't feathered. I need feathered hair and stovepipe jeans! Saleisha is still not really working. Well, she's doing a signing. She says she did a runway show but it looks like a show of one. For a camera. Uh.....why is no one hiring Frodo?

Tyra Mail! Why does Anya look like something out of The Neverending Story? It's the bleached eyebrows, right? Well, and the accent. She looks like Falkor! The girls are taking photos next to meat. Fatima thinks this is going to be the hardest photo shoot ever. Uh, some of these past tricks have hung upside down and been in zero gravity. Respect. Mr. Jay is dressed like Valerie Perrine in Superman II. Stacy is so cold she's crying. Maybe the cold will deepen her voice. The girls are going to actually be wearing the meat. Or the hooks. I'm not sure yet.

Big Whitney says "like, I eat steak. It wouldn't bother me, to like, put it on." And she makes a classic face and I have my title for the recap. That's the best advertisment for beef yet. She should be the spokesbitch for the cattle industry. They're trying to be provocative with sides of frozen beef. This is a really stupid challenge. They're wearing like, beef chokers. That came out wrong. Fatima is playing with a big meat hook. Don't slip. Anya's wearing a steak bikini top.

Stacy is faking a scream. The photographer wants to hear it for real. Me, too because she sounds like the Incredible Shrinking Model when she talks. Marvita brings the beef anger. Lauren pretends she's Leatherface and I am so in love with her. And she swing that mallet from the first one at Jaslene's deaf head for making her feel bad. I hope Lauren doesn't go the way of autistic Heather. Dominique sits her man ass on some meat and then wants a hug from Miss Tessmacher Jay. Hell, no. Aimee is all stiff and Mormon. I'm ready for Amis to start gnawing on a bone. She's useless. And then some.

It's time for judging! Aimee's nervous to face judges because she knows her meat shoot sucked. Anya, in her strange accent from Hawaii by way of Chechnya, warns Amis about the time. Amis is probably having a dream in which her finger-painting wins the jelly shoes prize. Marvita tries to rouse her. Amis does the J. Harvey and puts on whatever's on her floor. Tyra's crimped and eating a steak. Ugh. We get the judges and prizes rundown. I swear someone cast a spell on Anya in which they aged her by fifty years. Tyra sings the intro.

"Best meat shot", Tyra? I bet. Big Whitney's photo rocks it. Paulina is once again looking better than Tyra. She's not long for this show. Tyra pronounces Katar-Russian something's name differently than last week. If Tyra says "meat shot" again, I might have to go have some alone time. Fatima says she wasn't listening to direction, and Paulina tells her what's what. Dominique is told she looks beautiful. Tyra's in a good mood, today or she's suffering from glaucoma. Ms. Jay tells Lauren that she looked "crazy" on the the runway. I just think she looked late for a plane. With camel toe. Tyra loves how Lauren's arm looks dislocated from her shoulder. Tyra likes violence.

Amis is dressed like a total . Like, if you looked up "", Wikipedia would have a photo of her in this outfit. Tyra calls her on being an . Marvita's told she is too blank and falls back on the mean. Well, she's had a hard rock type of life! I'd be mean-looking, too! I still can't watch a show called "Girlicious". Tyra competes for recap title and is actually funny for the first time in her life when she imitates Aimee and says "get the shot, cuz' it's all gon be hot, but it's not". Katar-Russian I think is called a "pole dancer" and her hair is brought up into question.

Here we go. I'm sure the suspense is killing you. Amis and Fatima are in the bottom two. Amis is so going home. Please, send Rikki Rocket back to the Home for Little Retarded Wanderers. And they do. Fatima cries. Amis feels no bitterness, only huge amounts of gratitude. She's eating a Fudgicle. Figures.

Next - BENNY NINJA IS HERE! Deliciously! And Fatima and Big Whitney square off.

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