This’ll never work

#1: Usually, guys are nervous. I think they are afraid of me. I don’t think I look scary. Be however you are. Don’t try to be what you’re not. If you’re nervous, be nervous. If you’re shy, be shy. It’s cute.

#2: If you’re having dinner with friends and they’re always on the phone or always texting, it’s just impolite. Unless it’s something important—like someone is in the hospital or something—don’t do it. It’s not attractive. It’s a girlie thing. It makes you seem like a teenage girl. Especially if you’re talking about parties and which clubs you’re going to and who’s going to be there…it’s just silly.

#3: I like jealous men. I love jealousy. I do. Everything has a limit, of course, but once in a while you have to stand up and say, “I love this person.”

#4: It’s never okay to defend my honor by beating someone up. You have to control yourself, even if the other person is drunk and crazy. Just say, “Let’s go home. Let’s leave.” You don’t have to say a thing to him. I never have to see that person for the rest of my life. I don’t like fights. I don’t like aggressive people.

#5: Don’t hit on my girlfriends. Don’t treat them like a piece of meat. Don’t flirt with them! We’re not competitive. It has happened before, and it never works.

#6: When we’re traveling together for the first time, we sleep in different rooms. That’s the number one thing. And you should plan the whole trip. Buy the ticket, get the car to the airport, organize everything so I don’t have to think about it. And yes, carry my bags. I don’t travel light, either—at least two bags. Always.

This bitch is asking a lot. You want me to carry your bags and not hit on your friends? Good luck with that. If I was out with Adriana and her friend Alessandra Ambrosio came by, the moment she looked down I’d be humping Alessandra’s leg so hard that her femur might break. The only thing we see eye-to-eye on is not defending her honor by beating someone up. Generally, I like to run away crying.

• Adriana Lima is cleavagey (10)
• Adriana Lima does the beach (0)
• This isn’t an Adriana Lima sex tape (7)
• Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2006 (221)
• Adriana Lima shoots an ad (2)