American Idol: Welcome To Dollywood

Seacrest starts off with a retarded April Fools Joke. Those don't work unless they're elaborate or the person in question is really gullible. So I fell for it! Shut up! How many entrances does Ryan Seacrest get? Randy Jackson is "legendary?" What has this bitch done? I don't recall him pulling swords out of stones. Paula looks almost...human tonight in a floral frock. Simon still looks like he's been butting things with his head.

Dolly Parton is so hot. She's written over 3000 songs? Hot damn. When Dolly walks in, David Archuleta almost wets himself. Oh, you little twink. There, there. Dolly will hold your gay head to her bosom and rock you gently. Dolly considers her 3000 songs to be her children. That is one stretched vagine. And when she doesn't have a guitar handy, she uses her nails to scrape out a beat. Only Dolly Parton has the talent and ingenuity to utilize backwoods nail sculpture to gift us with songs.

Dolly leads the contestants in a rousing rendition of "9 to 5", which is one of the greatest films ever made. I live in a pink collar ghetto, too. David Cook better get that puss of his face when he sings. I know he almost died later, but you don't disrespect Dolly. If Dolly befriends Kristy Lee Cook, I will blow up the boob coaster at Dollyworld. Dolly talks about how she couldn't go on Idol and judge other singers. You know she was throwing a fish-eye at Paula's drunk, money-grubbing ass.

More Idol, after the jump!

Brooke White's here. Dolly Parton listens to her sing "Jolene," and manages not to strike her. By the way, Dolly is wearing a silvery dress that Erin Gray would have gladly worn on Buck Rogers. I've never heard the entirety of "Jolene" before. Dolly's asking some to lay off her man? Dolly's much better than that. She must have written during the making of Rhinestone. She was probably down. Brooke sounds ok, she's being a little overpowered by the fiddle.

If Randy asks me to check it out one more time, I'm going to shoot him. Paula Abdul looks sorta pretty tonight. Brooke White comments on her hair. I don't like when people talk to the judges too much, Just keep your mouth shut and nod and accept. Paula is able to recognize Brooke and say her name despite the Xanax and Tanqueray tail that she consumed earlier. Simon didn't like it. Brooke tells him that's alright. Well, yeah. Simon has tons of money and you're bound to be sent back to the coffeehouse. Stop talking, Brooke!

Seacrest sits in front of a Coke advertisment and talks to David Cook. They do some damage control by having Cook talk about how he finds his arrangements online. People have been squawking lately about how the judges keep commending him on his originality and his arrangements have all been somebody else's. I don't know, I've listened to a lot of these and I don't know if I'd admit to some of them. He says he's actually going to do "his own" arrangement of "Little Sparrow." Dolly listens to him. I love how she has a sparkly barrette right in the center of her wigpiece to anchor things down.

As you may have read earlier today, David was taken to the hospital after his performance with heart palipations. He doesn't seem like he's in pain. He's still got that air of smugness over him. Can the mosh pit stop with the arm-waving? This isn't the Rapture. I don't love the song, but he seemed like he did ok. Randy likes David's range. Paula likes David's haircut. Bitch is so high. David looks like the Tin Man to her right now. Simon takes the opportunity to bag on Dolly's song about birds. So I guess he hoped the ambulance to the ER after this.

Dolly is confronted with tiny Ramiele. Ramiele is a little slice of cutesy, but why is she here and Chikezie and Amanda Overmyer are not? I'm waiting for Dolly to actually hate on one of these people. Ramiele is so performing at a car show. And she has no idea what she's doing on stage. It's awkward, and she's wearing a jumper. Jumpers make you awkward. Thanks for not being mad at Ramiele, Randy. Weirdo. Paula's tail has made her a high-ass cheerleader for everyone. Simon is priceless when he verbally slaps Ramiele down by informing her that no one's going to remember this performance in ten years time. HAH! It's like spraying a hose on a kitten! Not that I would do that.

Here's Jason Castro. He's dopey. Did he dye the tips of his dreadlocks? Jason's been getting postcards from some lady with cats or something. He picked the song from Transamerica. I like this jam so he better not f*ck it up. It always reminds me of Felicity Hoffman peeing by the side of the road and you see her penis and the entire audience goes "WHOA!" He has a ring, like a ring, around one of his dreads. Dreads need rings? We keep getting the same judge's opinions this episode. Randy is lukewarm and annoying. Paula is lavishing praise and under the influence of several painkillers. Simon is negative and menstrual.

Carly Smithson's doing "Here You Come Again." Dolly didn't write it, so it's not one of her 3000 children. It's a neighbor's kid who she lets come on trips to the water park. Carly has a strong voice and she nails it. I totally dig Carly's boyfriend with the Maori facial tattoos. I want him to work at Fidelity and go to board meetings and make middle managers uncomfortable. Paula loves everything about Carly. She just wants to eat her up. She's on PCP so this could actually happen. Paula starts some static with Randy about Carly's pitch from last week. Paula just sits in her dressing room and thinks about how the world has injured her and how she can correct all the wrongs. Meanwhile, the level in the bottle of Grey Goose goes WAY down. You can tell Carly's a barmaid. Because when Simon insults not on her song, but her outfit, she does that thing waitresses do when they merely close their mouth and walk away so they don't sucker someone in the face.

Ryan has a bone to pick with Simon. And queens go at it. Simon calmly recites what his job description is to Seacrest. Paula interrupts to compare Carly to a butterfly or something. Carly seems really hurt by Simon's comment,. Well, he has a point about the pants. But she's a pretty girl and the top isn't that bad! It's a little Tarjhay but who cares. Oh oh, it's time for a David Archuleta twink moment.,

David is singing a song near and dear to the heart concealed by Dolly's enormous tits. He's so fey. He's like a gay fourth grader. Dolly almost tears up. She's worried about her fake eyelashes. David's worried about his, too. He seems to have impressed Dolly the most. Paula is chair dancing. Simon must hate her sitting beside him on Horse Tranquilizer Night. I feel like I'm at one of those big televised church revivals. Paula's talking about "aura." Oh god, the DT's have started. The tweens LOVE David Archuleta. They will tear his tiny body apart!

Ugh. Guess who's next? That succubus we know as Kristy Lee Cook. I'm waiting for Dolly to say "well, hi Kristy! I heard you've been blowing people to get ahead in this competition! Go on, girl!" Kristy's singing a song about how Dolly's mother made her a coat out of rags. Kristy Lee has never worn a rag coat in her life. I can empathize with Dolly's situation. My mom once made me wear sneakers she bought me at Building #19. They were Nike swooshes that were UPSIDE-DOWN. With gold sequins. I'm not kidding. If I ever wrote a country song in my lifetime, it would have been about that. Dolly tells Kristy that her mom is going to be so proud of her. Kirsty, cold-blooded demoness that she is, tells us she doesn't give a what her Mom thinks. It's all about Dolly! She would crawl over your face for a nickel. Trust this.

I HATE that she looks pretty. Damn. Paula thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks that this is Carly Smithson performing again. Seacrest likes Kristy's French pedicure. He probably has one, too. Kristy is taunting Simon. Oh, she's so slick. I can't believe they're sleeping together. Syesha gave Dolly a weak rendition of "I Will Always Love You." Syesha looks very pretty in her yellow dress. Though her hair looks a little unkempt. Grab some Pantene, baby. Smooth it out. Simon tells her that he wishes she didn't get that song to do. He's like a velvet hammer.

The Australian guy is up. Dolly was his very first concert. She wants to write some songs for him. I think Dolly liked the accent and her dirty pillows got all heated. What is this new thing where guys dress like Fred from Scooby Doo? With the ascot? I want to tighten the knot til' they choke. This is not a three hour tour!

And this is where my recording gave out. FRIGGIN' DVR! Someone let me know what they thought in the comments section. I love you all, deeply!

Next - Kristy Lee Cook will probably still hang on by her tentacles. David Archuleta will be cast in High School Musical 3. Paula will discover the magic of huffing.

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