Ugly Betty: Betty's Got A Brand New Bag

Betty's under her desk, and the janitor is trying to ass rape her with the buffer/floor polisher thingy. She's cleaning out her area to start working for Salma Hayek and her delicious boobies. Christina rolls up, looking hotsy. Seriously, she's rockin' some sequins and some hot eye makeup. She's a Scottish spitfire. Betty is rocking a big "B" pendant, and the less said about that the better. Christian notes Betty's Gucci knockoff bag. I have a friend who is absolutely obsessed with fashion, especially women's purses. He can tell you designer and model in under three seconds flat. Women on the MBTA here in Boston think he's leering at them but he's actually just queer and leering at their purses. I don't know why I'm telling you this, I guess I'm interjecting some local color so you know where I'm coming from. Christina asks what happened to the actual Gucci bag Betty had. And wavy wavy wavy, it's a flashback episode to start the New Year. And can I just ask you if you have it, to always watch Betty in HD. It looks f*cking gorgeous, and it totally compliments the high gloss of the show. Anyway, four months ago - it was swag time at Mode. That's when Christina cleans out her fashion closet to make room and all the bitches go crazy for free and put themselves on a list. Vanessa Williams fills Betty in on this, and then adds maybe there's some socks in your size. Stank bitch. But this swag thing is kinda hot. I might need to start working at Old Navy just for the swag! Oh god help me.

There's a big brouhaha because Japanese fashion designer Oshi is rolling up to show his latest collection and decide if he wants to keep working with Mode. Oshi was a big fan of burqua bitch in the basement, so now what? Fashion TV fills us in on the Oshi sitch, and people don't think Daniel can impress his rotund minimalist ass. Betty's trying to help Daniel out by getting him a Japanese phrase book and but his company credit card has been rejected. His expense report is due by 10:30 AM tomorrow or he isn't getting paid! Somehow Betty didn't get the memo (cue sinister someone's trying to eff with Betty music) and she has to scurry like a unibrowed mouse to get his expenses done. Daniel dumps his trashcan full of expenses on her ass. And let me just say, I won't go into it but I've done someone's expenses before. And paper clips and neat piles were used, thank you. What kind of dumps a truckload of receipts on a bitch? I don't care how spikey your salad is and how creamy your skin may be, Mr. Eric Mabius.

Written by J. Harvey

More Ugly Betty, after the jump.

Vanessa Williams slithers her way into Daniel's Dad's office to backstab Daniel. They note how Daniel is fiscally irresponsible and once tried to buy an island and J.Lo. Mr. Meade corrects her, it was Shakira. I woulda picked J. Lo. She wears turbans sometimes, which is far more interesting than hips. Then again, I like dudes. Vanessa's gunning for the publisher title. Mr. Meade feels he'll make an impression with Oshi and Vanessa's like I'm sure he will. Boo hiss! Mark and Amanda explain how swag works to Betty. People use the items they acquire as currency and bribes. They're being very cruel to her, pretending she's deaf and telling her she's loitering. I remember why I hated Mark so much before he got a teensy bit nicer and befriended Lil' Gay Justin. Betty asks Mark for help with Daniel's expenses, and Mark provides her with an incorrect expense sheet to work from. We also learn it was he who was responsible for Betty not getting the expense memo. Boo Hiss! Betty's on the elevator and the models compare her knit bag to Juan Valdez and ask if it came with a mule. This show is so racist. I'd stab and kill. Christina and Betty discuss swag, and Betty notes that this hot ass Gucci bag reminds her of the one her Mom gave her when she was three. Her Mom gave a Gucci bag to a three-year-old? .

That night, Betty does Daniel's expenses while her family marvels over them. They note that Vanessa Williams expense reports says she spent 25K in Rio. Which was obviously spent on coke, but I'm not one to gossip, *snort* Betty got paid that day and her check barely affords her ass pizza. Hilda is incensed by how little she gets paid. We find out that the family has to cut back. And the pharmacy denied Papi his meds due to the evil HMO. Boo Hiss!

This was the time when Walter and Betty were broken up and his crazy ass was following her around the city and trying to give her free electronics from his Best Buy store or wherever he works. I'd want cash and free drinks. Betty's all; you cheated on me with the Hyena. He did. Betty goes to the pharmacy and the Hyena-like pharmacist and her Emory board inform Betty that she needs to pay 200 bucks for Papi's meds or he's outta luck. That's nice. And this bitch is all; don't they pay you at Mooooooooode? And she says "Mode" in this weird long "o" accent, which indicates she's one jealous, thirsty bitch. That morning outside work, Betty sees the knockoff version of the hot Gucci bag and Mr. Meade tells her he wants to meet with her secretly that day.

Daniel is pacing and trying to learn Japanese for the Oshi meeting. Give it up, himbo. Vanessa comes in to taunt them about how she knows what Oshi likes. And it's all about champagne and white things. Friggin' Daniel is poor because he's a spendthrift and asks Betty to front him the money for some coffee and a bagel! F*ck you, Daniel! How dare you! Bitch can't afford pizza! Aren't you rich? Judith Light is your Momma! Christina phones Betty from the fashion closet where fashion swag day is going full tilt boogie. Amanda is trying to rip boots out of some model's hands and screaming, "these are women's boots!" Heh, she should write this column. Betty just wants Amanda to cover the phones while she gets Daniel's expenses in on time to Accounting.

Betty meets Henry for the first time. And steals his coffee and bagel for Daniel! She's resourceful but I would never speak to her again. Or I would tackle her ass. Hey, I get hungry in the morning. Mr. Meade assumes it's for him when she goes to the meeting. Do any of these s get any of their own ? I hate rich people on TV. Basically Mr. Meade tells Betty that Daniel is on watch for his finances and if he f*cks up, then he's screwed.

And when she gets back to the office, Henry is there and Daniel is freaking. Because she copied the fake report from Vanessa Williams and it screws Daniel out of 20K. Daniel starts screaming at her and let me tell you, if Gucci bags weren't part of the job equation I would be telling him to suck it, nerd. Daniel's credit card gets suspended. AND we find out he's been living on that credit card and he's toe-up broke. AND his Dad knows about this 20K business and has cut him off and tells him that he needs to entertain Oshi on his own dime. Disaster!

He only has $327 in his bank account, so the sumbitch is still better off than me. He says he blew through his trust fund like Michael Jackson. He bought a hyperbaric chamber and some wine for six-year-old boys? Betty assures Daniel that they will be able to save the Oshi day. Christina and Betty kvetch and Christina notes that Vanessa Williams and Mark effed Betty good. So she gives Betty the Gucci bag! YAY! I *heart* Christina. Suddenly this becomes the gayest Christmas special ever as Christina tells our asses that fashion does the heart good. In all my years, I have never felt more at one with a television character. A single crystalline tear runs down my craggy face. Betty goes home with swag presents for the rest of the fam. Dad gets a watch, Lil' Gay Justin squees as he gets a Burberry belt. He goes to call his "friends" which means his 300lb fag hag with the headgear who sits behind him in Math. Hilda gets a Hermes scarf, because she deserves only the best. She has a long ponytail weaved in over her shoulder and I'm totally feeling it. Betty spills to Papi that they can't afford his meds. He's on his last pill. Betty should go sell some matches and freeze to death to complete this tragic picture.

Betty regards an old photo of her Moms, and the old Gucci bag. Why didn't they keep that and hawk it? Betty sleeps with the new Gucci bag. Awww. So would I. She had better not hawk it! Betty and Christina are rolled up on by Mark on the lift and he snits about Betty having the bag. HAH! Eat it, bitch! Daniel's on the phone, trying to land some free swag himself - in the form of a credit extension so he can wine and dine Oshi. No go, Little Lord Fauntleroy. He tells us his credit rating is lower than most convicted felons. That means it's still higher than mine, honey. Betty has a list of things to do in NYC for under $300, which makes me love her more because I'm sure the boyfriend and I have used that list. We're poor little match girls ourselves. Oshi rolls up with his entourage and one of them carries an iPod speaker, which blares some hot hip-hop tracks to accompany his roll. Hot. Hot. Hot. I need me one of those. I need some theme music. Oshi is a hot Buddha bitch that likes champagne and has an intense interpreter. He wants champagne now. Betty offers coffee and Oshi almost s. Vanessa swoops in with some bubbly, showing Daniel's ass up. The interpreter explains that Oshi will stage his new collection here at Mode, and then wants champagne and dinner after which he will make his decision. It doesn't look good. Vanessa knows that Daniel's nuts are in a vise (or Amanda's mouth) and says she can treat for dinner but she has to be invited and then Mr. Meade will know Daniel is a loser bitch.

Betty reminds Daniel that the Japanese are all about nuance and if Vanessa pays - he will look dickless. Thank you, Nicole Kidman in the Interpreter. Betty starts rifling off what they could do with Oshi under 300 clams and one of them involves Papaya Queen and the Staten Island Ferry. That sounds like fun but Daniel has no imagination. In the lunchroom, all the twigs who are usually stank to Betty are being nice because of her PURSE. That's a sad statement on humanity. Then again, rich, pretty people get ahead now, don't they? Christina reveals that the Gucci bag is worth about $4,500. Betty's all Papi can get pills! So she gives the pharmacist beeyotch the bag and secures 15 refills. Awww.

The Suarez family notices that Betty is sans Gucci and figures it out. Betty goes to cry, and Hilda is wearing a hot denim fringed mini and comforting her. Betty explains that the bag reminded her of her Mom and made her feel pretty and now I'm crying. America Ferrarra is a miracle worker. She can melt ice with a few words. We cut to the present and the janitor who tried to ass rape Betty earlier with the floor polisher has been listening in and notes that all of the Mode posse pad their expenses. Anyway, Betty gets Henry Accountant to help her with some research. And it turns out the 25K Vanessa Williams expensed in Rio wasn't for accessories. It was for some kind of plastic surgery. Aww snap! So even though they appear to be screwed, Betty and Daniel plan to take Vanessa's ass down with them. Good, now we're getting somewhere.

Oshi has his showing at Mode, and I think it's to Lady Sovereign which is supa dupa fly. I love that midget. Betty stumbles into the fashion show, of course, and I note that the models are wearing what appear to be white paper bikinis. I want one. Betty has an idea where to take Oshi that's round, white and minimalist. Daniel's like bitch, you crazy. Vanessa still wants in, and Daniel finally has to acquiesce so he's screwed. Until Mr. Meade and Betty's sideline hoe Accountant Henry roll up. Turns out that Vanessa Williams got an ass tuck or something in Brazil so she's screwed and out of the picture. Which still leaves himbo Daniel in a lurch until they go with Betty's idea, which is White "T"assel. White Castle. In NJ. White, round, you get it. And this is TV world, so Oshi loves that . Party! We saved Miracles the community center! Let's breakdance!

So all's well that ends well. Daniel's Dad puts him back on the company credit card and he thanks Betty and goes to bang Amanda. Walter buys Betty the Gucci knockoff. Aww. Betty fools Mark with the Gucci knockoff, gets a second knockoff but he owes her a favor now. Cagey, Betty, cagey! And in the present day, Betty sets off to work for Salma Hayek. And her giant ta-tas.

Next - Betty starts her new Salma job. A lot of people scream and run around.

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