Britney Spears Completes Rehab Feeling Stronger, Clear-Minded, And Ready For First Relapse

Britney Spears Completes Rehab Feeling Stronger, Clear-Minded, And Ready For First Relapse
Nearly one month ago, Britney Spears electively checked herself into rehab-to-the-stars facility Promises Malibu, limbs flailing and unsuccessfully attempting to haul a drag off a Newport as four bulky orderlies carried her inside. During that time, she was rumored to have been visited by a newly sainted deadbeat ex-husband, found a soundbite-friendly spiritual soul-mate, shopped online while vomiting demon pea soup, and induced hyperglycemia through the gluttonous consumption of carbonated cola. But to her credit, Britney managed to hang in there, and she now walks again among us, an honors graduate of the Promises Path to Celebrity Sobriety program:

After nearly a month of seclusion in a luxurious rehabilitation center, Britney Spears has moved on.
The pop star checked out of Promises Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility "after successfully completing their program," Spears' manager, Larry Rudolph, said in a statement released by Jive Records late Tuesday.

He asked that Spears' privacy be respected.



The moments after a patient is released from rehab and thrust, like a shivering, sober newborn, back into the nightclubbing wilds, can be among the most critical; merely one index finger nudge from an unsupportive friend or stranger is all it takes to tumble headlong back into the dark places, where they might reawaken from a bout of temporary, mojito-induced amnesia with a newly reshorn head and a torso distressingly scrawled upon in the lipstick message, "The Captain was here." It's no surprise, therefore, that Rudolph should call upon a Britney-interest moratorium in the coming, crucial weeks, so that at the very least she can proudly claim her inevitable first relapse as her very own.
Published 3/21/07 by


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