The Insider: Contributed by EvilBeet

Guess What Time It Is Kids?

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:33:45 GMT

Hard to believe it’s that time of the month again, but like breaking open a new pack of Yaz, it’s time for March’s installment of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox broke up. I don’t really have the energy to come with a new and creative way to spoon this information out to you all, so can we just get this over with? God, this feels like the goodbye sex you never want to have. Like, where you’re totally over the dude but you feel obligated to give him the Sayonarascrew. She moved out. He’s devastated and crying. They’ll be back together before this moon phase is over. The end.

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Listen Up Everyone! Mischa Barton Has Some Relationship Advice For You!

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:08:45 GMT

Pay attention beyotches! Mischa Barton is opening up-and no, not her legs this time. She is back in the media, sharing her wisdom-yet again. Will there ever be a day when we won’t have to be victim to her wisdom? The answer is “No!” Mischa is just so insightful-she really needs a pulpit and I’m willing to help that happen. I will personally lead the motion for the creation of a new religion-Mischatology, anyone? Lesson one in the Book of Mischatology: Don’t get married. The never married but always mighty Mischa has spoken: “You see a lot of relationships fall apart because it’s the last step. There’s nothing left and a lot of dudes freak out and the women become bitchier. I see it to be bad for relationships.” You know what I see to be bad for relationships? Taking advice from Mischa Fucking Barton. So, before you all start tossing your engagement rings in the river, may we review Mischa Barton’s love life? I’ll leave out the one night stands because I’m pretty sure that even the Wordpress blogging platform that we use here has a character limit. 2004-05- Brandon Davis. Druggie, loser, leech. 2005-07- Cisco Adler, better known as Penduballs. 2007-08- Jamie Dornan 2008- Brett Simon, Taylor Locke, Josh Hartnett 2008-09 Luke Pritchard However, to fully subscribe to this newly created religion created by me, I must surrender and blindly follow her teachings. Mischa’s doctrine is the gospel and I must respond to her word. I’ll start by petitioning Richard Carpenter for a re-write of The Carpenter’s classic, played at every wedding in the 1970s, “We’ve Only Just Begun.” I, uh, propose: “We’ve Reached The Finish Line.” Lesson two in The Book Of Mischatology: Get Married When You Have Kids Though Barton states clearly that marriage is an ending, she fully plans to indulge in the married bitchiness so her kids can pay the price…lucky (non) bastards! “Whoever is going to be the father of my children, I’ll probably inevitably marry,” she tells OK! “But that’s not on the cards anytime soon.” Whew…thankfully that’s not on the cards anytime soon. Stay tuned for more from The Teachings Of Mischatology including a chapter I’m really looking forward to, titled How I Made Ankle Weights Work For Me.

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Julia Roberts Movie Didnt Do So Well. Julia Roberts Movie Didnt Do So Well.

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:01:04 GMT

Get it? Do you get it? I’m saying everything twice because Julia’s movie, Duplicity, tanked on its opening weekend. Sigh…I make me laugh. Here’s the deal: Duplicity is probably a pretty good movie; it pulled in $14.4M. But it’s where society is at right now. We want senseless crap that requires as little processing as possible. I think Dr. Phil calls the food version of this phenomenon Low Response Cost…vittles that you can mindlessly ingest. Therefore, Duplicity was trumped by the #2 bromance flick, I Love You, Man which saw $18M in ticket sales. Knowing was the number one movie of the weekend, pulling in $24.8M. This film has to do with astrophysics and catastrophe avoidance. Fuck, there goes that whole mindless fun theory. Disproved once again. Regardless of the reasons for Julia’s decline, what I really can never forgive or forget is Huffington Post’s headline regarding this week’s box office receipts: Cage Creams Bromance And Julia Roberts. Gross. Gross. 1. “Knowing,” $24.8 million. 2. “I Love You, Man,” $18 million. 3. “Duplicity,” $14.4 million. 4. “Race to Witch Mountain,” $13 million. 5. “Watchmen,” $6.7 million. 6. “The Last House on the Left,” $5.9 million. 7. “Taken,” $4.1 million. 8. “Slumdog Millionaire,” $2.7 million. 9. “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail,” $2.5 million. 10. “Coraline,” $2.1 million.

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The Miley & Mandy Show: NEW EPISODE!

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:43:00 GMT

OMG you guys I was SO WORRIED about Miley and Mandy. After Miley declared Taylor Swift to be her best friend at the VMAs, and she kept making YouTube videos with her boyfriend and her sister and seemingly EVERYONE but Mandy, I thought this friendship for the ages was kaput. My heart was broken. But NO! They’re back together again, encouraging people to vote for Miley in the Kids Choice Awards, which will take place this Saturday. Will you be voting for Miley???

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Demis Ass

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:25:41 GMT

Ashton Kutcher tweeted his wife’s ass on Twitter. That makes him a twat, right? It would make him an ex-husband if he were married to me, but I’ve never been tolerant of men who refer to their spouses as “wifey” anyway. Ah, that pesky Nikon celebrity endorser… Demi Moore seriously has the best ass for a forty-six-year-old. Is this a result of Kabbalah? Because, I just tied about eighteen red strings around my wrist and I’ve already lost two pounds. And I’m feeling way more holier. Than thou, that is.

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Where In The World Is Matt Lauer? Ass Over Tea Kettle-Thats Where

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:03:11 GMT

People reports that Today show host Matt Lauer had a little run-in this weekend with a deer. Apparently Matt was riding his Schwinn, I don’t really know that he was riding a Schwinn but it sounds like “schwing” and I always feel that when Matt is around, and hit a deer. Where in the world was Matt Lauer on Monday? Not on the Today show, due to a weekend incident as he was riding his bicycle, according to his NBC cohort Meredith Vieira. Lauer encountered a deer while he was on the road, said Vieria, who wasn’t quite clear about whether or not Lauer and the animal smacked into one another. She seemed to doubt it. Lauer, she informed viewers, “thinks the deer was hired by the competition.” Not true, Vieira insisted. “I hired the deer, but I said, ‘Just graze him.’ “ No real word on his injuries; I’ve been reading that he flipped over the handlebars of his bike. Here’s hoping that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can put him back together again. Oh, dear.

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Words I Never Thought Id Hear Myself Say: Heather Mills Signs On With Burger King

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:31:53 GMT

Yep, our favorite mono-legged vegan has crawled into bed with Burger King as spokesperson to promote their new vegetarian burger. In exchange for services provided, BK is leaving $6M on the ethical (as long as ethics don’t include taking money from burger-flinging fast food chains) vegan’s nightstand. A spokesperson for Heather only had this to say: “Heather has been a vegan ever since she lost her leg and she has been developing and refining vegan recipes ever since.” I can’t fathom the dark depression I would plunge into if I lost a leg. The only thing more devastating than losing a limb? Losing bacon.

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Josh Groban Kissed A Girl And He Liked It

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 12:46:37 GMT

Good morning and Happy Monday! Did you guys enjoy Evil Beet’s new writer Kelly as much as I did? She had me laughing all weekend and I wished Monday would never come. As a matter of fact, I looked in the mirror this morning and sighed, “Ah, you again?” The only thing that can cure me of the Monday blues is to talk about love. I don’t know if we can really categorize this as love, it could just be great head, but Josh Groban is reportedly hooking up with Katy Perry. Now, when I say “hooking up” what I really mean is that someone, better known as “an unnamed source close to the couple,” probably saw the two of them simultaneously reach for the same dispenser at Yogurtland. If they spoke to one another, that could be classified as “making wedding plans.” I think we just have to stay tuned on this to see if any pictures of the two actually appearing within five hundred feet of each other ever crop up prior to acknowledging that the world’s weirdest union is unfolding right before our eyes. Unrelated yet related in my scary mind: Does anyone watch Ugly Betty? I do, and I think Betty’s boyfriend Matt looks like Josh Groban. I put him in the gallery just because.

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Woz Pulls A Hammy

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 03:17:49 GMT

Dancing With the Stars “contender” Steve Wozniak might not get many more opportunities to wear sequins and tassels… at least not outside the bedroom. Woz, who was already handicapped by a broken left foot bone, pulled his hamstring at rehearsal on Friday. It’s not looking good that Steve will make it until Monday. He was spotted Friday night at a CVS pharmacy in Los Angeles “limping pretty badly,” according to a source. When a female fan offered Woz a “good luck” on this Monday’s show, he replied that he might be “off” by then and then limped away. “I hurt it today,” Woz added. Why not let him get out there and dance on a Segway? He already does everything else on one. Host Tom Bergeron also commented on how this season’s contestants have gone a little overboard with the spray-on liver failure. “We have people come in to spray them. But there’s a little Oompa-Loompa going on this season. It’s not for me. I’m holding to the middle-age pasty-white-guy look.”

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Monsters vs. Aliens Premiere

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 02:20:50 GMT

Sunday’s Monsters vs Aliens premiere was a veritable who’s who of people you’re not supposed to be attracted to, but probably are. There were a few who walked the red (or rather, blue) carpet that would be considered mainstream-acceptably hot (Kiefer Sutherland, Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon). But there were just as many celebrities about whom many of you have probably had the occasional raunchy dream, but were too embarrassed to tell anyone. I can tell you from my own dreams that Seth Rogen is very gentle and Hugh Laurie’s beard tickles. Rainn Wilson and Jack Black are on a few of your lists, I’m sure. Hell, maybe some of you are even attracted to that big, blue, animated blob. Personally, I love Reese’s dress. But I can also see how some people would think it looks like scraps of Christmas wrapping paper sewn together.

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The A in A-Rod Stands for Asshole

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 01:29:50 GMT

Alex likes the whores After I mentioned that I’m a sports fan, someone requested more gossip on sports celebrities, specifically hockey players. But until Sean Avery fucks up again, or puts out another video of him shopping for womens’ handbags, you’ll just have to satiate yourself by reading about the latest major league baseball player to shove the great American pastime even further into a needle-filled toilet. It seems doing copious amounts of nut-shrivelling magic muscle juice just wasn’t enough for Alex Rodriguez. While he was pounding the roids, he was also pounding the whores. Kristin Davis, the New York pimp who also tattled on Governor Eliot Spitzer, reports that A-Rod became a regular client after he tried (and failed) to pick her up at a gym. He bunted a few balls at some of her whores, then sent Davis a few pathetic attempts at flirting via email: Rodriguez: “Thanks for setting me up with Samantha. She was gorgeous. But she is not you. When can I see you you are gorgeous . . .” Davis: “Hi Alex. You don’t want to see me. I’m no fun. lol. Just because your (sic) so sweet, here are some pics of me and I appreciate the compliments. Your (sic) a doll. Thanks, Kristin” Rodriguez: “You have been playing hard to get for a year now, your (sic) killing me.” Davis: “It’s not playing I am hard to get. Maybe you should try harder.” Rodriguez: “Kristin, I definitely will and I love the pics. I put the one on my cell so I can look at you all the time. Alex.” Davis: “You are too sweet. I’ll let you know when I get someone you like.” So just how long do you think it’ll be before he claims sex addiction?

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I (Dont) Wear My Sunglasses at Night

EvilBeet — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:11:10 GMT

Just in case you missed it, Rihanna was out and about earlier this week in Hollywood, sans sunglasses and bruises and she looks great. It must feel good to finally be able to take the sunglasses off. Let’s just hope it’s a metaphor for the larger situation, and better night vision isn’t the only way in which she’s seeing more clearly.

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Jesus Gets the Axe

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:57:18 GMT

Madonna, wearing her front lawn and grabbing Rihanna's ass, cuz that's how she rolls. Madonna has reportedly called it quits with Brazillian model and sometimes boyfriend Jesus Luz. Apparently she’d been considereing ending the fling for some time because she was afraid it might affect her chances of adopting another child from Malawi to be a little brother or sister for her son David. Photos that surfaced of Jesus nailing a lingerie model put the proverbial nail in the wrists and feet. Do you realize that the English translation of that guy’s name is “Jesus Light”? And that she dated a guy whose name is about as close as you can get phonetically to naming someone “God” without actually naming them “God”? Obsessed much? I’m starting a betting pool where you can wager on the name of her next lover. Your choices are: 1. Joseph 2. Gud 3. Andchild

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Wed Hard With a Vengeance

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:41:10 GMT

Bruce Willis and girlfriend Emma Hemming got hitched Saturday morning in a small ceremony held at Bruce’s home in the Carribean Islands of Turks & Caicos, proving that divorcing Demi Moore may not have been the stupidest move he could have ever made. With his marriage to Hemming, both sides of that divorce have now moved on to much younger paramours. I can only guess that they are both alien succubi who need to constantly divorce and remarry younger mates from which they can slowly drain the life force energy necessary to sustain their people suits. Bruce has been needing younger prey for some time now. Look how much his people suit has decayed!

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Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart Are Engaged

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 14:56:35 GMT

Insert obligatory joke about his oldness and her weight. There are times when you think someone famous has died. Then they show up on some late night talk show and turn your entire worldview on its head with their disturbing refusal to die. I’m not naming names, but Martin Landau, I’m lookin at you. Or rather, kind of in your direction and to the side of you because your face is scary. And then there are times when a celebrity couple announces their engagement and you say, “I thought they were already married. For like, six years now.” And that’s exactly what I said when I read the official announcement that Harrison Ford popped the question to girlfriend of 7 years Calista Flockhart over Valentine’s Day weekend. Congratulations. Everyone already thought you were married. Next week I’ll be announcing that I’ve been born.

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Ja Rule Drinks Antifreeze

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 12:19:54 GMT

Those numbers on his arm count down how much time is left in his 15 minutes I thought I’d share with you this picture of Ja Rule drinking antifreeze. Don’t knock it till you try it. As cats and babies will tell you, that shit is delicious. Today I thought we’d answer the age old question that no one is really asking: “What ever happened to Ja Rule?” I know you don’t really care, and I think that’s sad. Remember such classics as “Always There on Time” featuring Ashanti? Remember “I’m Real” featuring Jennifer Lopez? Nope? Well, neither did I until I did a Youtube search. But it’s a good thing I did that search, or I never would have been reminded of this little gem. Helicopters for the world! Ja popped up on the radar again this weekend while shooting the video for the Gwop Boys’ “Get Money”– album coming soon to an annoying guy in a parking lot near you who’ll accost you and pester you with dumb questions like “Do you like good music?” then get all pissed off and call you a cold ass bitch when you won’t fork over $15 for his terrible crap. Ja looks tired and bored, mugging half-hearted gangsta poses while drinking cold duck and what is either lime Koolaid or that mysterious liquid from the inside of a glow stick. There’s absolutely no change in his expression, even when he’s surrounded by a bunch of hot video hoochies in undershirts. It’s hard to be a gangsta. I’m not sure whether that’s champagne in his cup or a big ole cup of disillusionment and bitterness. Hell, maybe it really is antifreeze.

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R.I.P. Jane Goody

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 09:13:11 GMT

I apologize in advance for busting in amidst Kelly’s debut weekend — which she is handling brilliantly — but I happen to be awake at 3 am to receive this breaking and very sad news: British reality TV star Jane Goody has finally lost her battle with cervical cancer. She died, at the age of 27, in her home early Sunday morning. We didn’t cover the story very much around here, because something about sensationalizing a cancer death didn’t sit right with me. I understand why Jane accepted a great deal of publicity surrounding her terminal diagnosis, and I don’t judge her one bit for doing everything in her power to leave her sons in a financially stable position. I just didn’t feel right covering it. A friend asked me about it just the other day, about why I never wrote about her. “I’ll write about her when she dies,” I said at the time. I turn 27 on Tuesday. I cannot imagine going through everything Jane’s gone through at this age, and I have a great deal of respect for the grace and strength she showed throughout the process. Jane went from being a 20-year-old reality TV laughingstock to a model of death with dignity in less than a decade. It’s a funny thing, this life. R.I.P., kiddo.

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Even The Immortal Undead Need Stylish Thermals & Hoodies

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 05:05:06 GMT

Beverly Hills Boutique Kitson hosted a Twilight DVD and apparel launch party this Saturday, with stars of the movie in attendance. Robert Pattinson couldn’t be there because he’s too busy writing terrible poetry and desperately hitting on ladies via Twitter. Not really. Although he could be. Only 200 tickets were sold to the event, which probably consisted of standing around in line for a few hours and shelling out $75 for an overpriced t-shirt or hoodie with the movie’s logo emblazoned on the front– exactly what I’d expect from a “launch” event whose advertisement looks like something a 14-year-old whipped up in MS paint for their MySpace page. That’s exactly what the apparel line they’re launching will consist of– hoodies, thermals, and t-shirts with the movie’s logo printed all over them. C- for creativity. I’d rather have Rachelle Lefevre’s dress. Have any of you actually read those books or seen the movie? My inner bitch is dying to talk so much smack about them, but I’ll reserve judgment until I actually read the things. I used to crack on Harry Potter until I accidentally picked up Philosopher’s Stone and ended up reading the whole thing in a single night.

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Ikyhd you not

EvilBeet — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 02:06:03 GMT

If you unfocus your eyes & stare at her dress long enough, a 3D image of dolphins jumping over the rings of Saturn will emerge. As Wendie reported a few weeks ago in a post appropriately titled “Why Do Celebrities Hate Their Babies?” it was widely rumored that M.I.A. had named her newborn son “Ickitt.” As it turns out, his name is not nearly so ridiculous and we should all feel foolish for believing that she’d ever name her son something so silly. As M.I.A. so eloquently puts it on her Myspace blog: “MY BABY IS NOT CALLED ICKITT, PICKIT OR LICKIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HES A BABY, HE DONT NEED PRESS! I DIDNT RELEASE THE BABY NAME BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NEWS!!!! BUT I WILL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING NEWS WORTHY SOON , TILL THEN GO PICK ON APPLE, SATCHEL AND MOON UNIT. LOTS OF LOVE STICKIT!!” That’s right. He IS a baby. And he don’t need no press (although I wish M.I.A would press her caps lock button). He was never named “Ickitt.” Turns out his real name is the so-common-as-to-be-almost trite “Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman.” Given her thick British accent, it’s really hard to see how anyone could have possibly confused “Ickitt” for “Ikhyd.” Strange baby names aside, let’s all hope she gets pregnant again sometime soon. In these tough times, the world should not be deprived of seeing M.I.A. in her ridiculous maternity outfits (as evidenced by the magic-eye dress pictured above). I never get tired of looking at it.

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Paid For by Married Gay People Who Are Sorry

EvilBeet — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 22:37:39 GMT

Portia De Rossi publicly apologizes for marrying Ellen DeGeneres: Thanks to Wendie for the heads up on that one. I still think it’s sweet that they chose to share each others’ last names. You know, “De”?

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