The Insider: Contributed by Websters

Snaps: Why, Hello There

Websters — Fri, 15 May 2009 20:23:00 GMT

If you've never seen a Girls Gone Wild video, here's a review. If you have seen one, you already know how awkward and uncomfortable and unsexy they really are. (Pajiba) In Penelope Cruz's upcoming movie, Nine, she does ... Uh, this. (Yeeeah!) Ashlee Simpson might be knocked up again with a little Baloo or Shere Khan. (The Blemish) Janice Dickinson is drunk and ready to throws down. (Seriously? OMG!) Big surprise, Paris Hilton's new boyfriend is already ready to kill her. (Celebitchy) Britney's cousin Alli Sims wants back in her life. (CelebWarship) Heidi and Spencer are going to have someone new to fight with on "The Hills." (BricksAndStones) Holy shit. Abby Elliot, Chris Elliot's daughter and new "SNL" cast member does a spot-on Angelia Jolie. (Agent Bedhead) WTF is Jennifer Hudson wearing on the "Today" show? (POTP) What's Tara Reid doing in Cannes? Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather) Kim Kardashian is still wearing ridic sunglasses. (IDWYL) Oh, by the way .. I have twitter. Lately I've been using it to harass Paris Hilton. Fun! You should follow me! (twitter)

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Bikini Parade

Websters — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:24:06 GMT

Bikini Parade: (Noun) A public procession celebrating women wearing scantily clad swimwear. Holly Madison helped the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority earn a Guinness World Record for staging the world's largest bikini parade and pool party yesterday, with nearly 300 ladies marching down the Vegas strip. Incidentally, the people at the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority also won a Guinness World Record for having the best job ever.

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Tori Spelling Is a Horrible Person

Websters — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:25:12 GMT

With all the flaunting of their perfect, happy family Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott do, you almost kind of forget that they were both married to other people when they met. Well now Dean McDermott's ex, Mary Jo Eustace, is writing a little book of her own, Divorce Sucks. And, spoiler alert! It portrays Tori Spelling in an unflattering light! In an exchange during a meeting between the two women: "I told her I thought (her) behavior thus far had been the height of insensitivity and rudeness. I tried to explain that we were a real family, with a new baby and a substantial history, and there were serious consequences to all of this... The toughest moment was when my husband kept calling her to see how the meeting was going. She told him it was 'going great' and joked that we were quickly becoming 'soul mates.' I left the room on that one." (Source) So basically, the meeting went something like, "Hey, not only am I stealing your husband and the father of your child, but I'm going to make jokes to your face about it!" I guess it wasn't so bad though, considering that harpies usually just tear the hearts out of their victims with their bare claws and wag them in front of the victim's face before they succumb to quick death. In that respect, Tori Spelling was actually being kind of merciful. At the Star Trek premiere. God, what an unfortunate looking woman she is:

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Jonah Hill Tries to Make Fun of Spencer Pratt; Fails

Websters — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:23:26 GMT

Jonah Hills appears in the new issue of Harper's Bazaar alongside Elvis Presley's granddaughter, Riley Keoug, in a series of Spencer Pratt-Heidi Montag inspired photoshoots with captions like: "Shopping is my life. My life is shopping. If Kitson became a country, I would pack up my belongings, move there, and apply for citizenship." and "It’s like, I can’t go to a club with my lady and walk down a red carpet without the paparazzi snapping away. It’s a nightmare." Unfortunately, the subtle nuances of getting made fun of were lost on Spencer Pratt, who twittered: jonah hill just spoofed me in the new harpers bazzar! I went to highschool with Jonah from 6th to 12th grade and now hes spoofing me ! love! Not that it's Jonah's fault. When you're dealing with an egomaniacal idiot the size of Spencer Pratt, there's not very many ways of spoofing him that won't be totally lost on him, other than maybe walking up to him and shooting him point blank in the face with a shotgun. But then there's that whole fine line between "spoofing" and "first degree murder." Such a gray area.

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Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead

Websters — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:24:23 GMT

On last night's season finale of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight both unsurprisingly appear to have kicked the bucket from respective brain surgery and getting hit by a bus, after throwing a piss party for the past two or more seasons about how much they wanted off the show. Oh, I mean: Spoiler alert! Whatever. Like if you're that big a fan of "Grey's Anatomy" you have anything better to do on a Thursday night anyway. Izzie's state outrages her new husband, Dr. Alex Karev (Justin Chambers), who desperately tries to help Izzie retain her memory. "I'm sorry if this is hard for you," Izzie tells him, "but you are not the one with the short-term memory of a carrot." After their heated argument, Izzie's memory appears to have returned. She and Alex embrace. "You're back!" Alex cries. But then Izzie loses consciousness in Alex's arms. But in a surprising twist later in the show, George is revealed to be the unrecognizably bloodied, critically injured man who had pushed a woman out of the path of a bus, only to have been struck by it himself. (Source) Great. Now Heigl is free to pursue a career of shitty romcoms until all that biting the hand that feeds her crap blows up in her stupid nicotine face and no one will work with her anymore. And T.R. Knight, likewise, is free to pursue a career of calling up Heigl on Tuesday nights with a pint of Ben and Jerry's in his lap asking her if she wants to come over and watch "Sex and the City" reruns on TBS. Congratulations to the two on their new paths in life! Keigl filming the upcoming Five Killers with Ashton Kutcher:

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Snaps: Greased

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:23:57 GMT

Jesus. I kind of just teared up a bit watching a trailer for a movie with Mariah Carey and Monique in it. I must be getting my period or something. (Pajiba) The latest GOOP informs you what kind of music you should play at your parties. (Lainey Goss) Kim Kardashian endorses Pesi Max... In like, her kitchen? WTF? (The Blemish) Some apocalyptic shit is going down on "Supernatural" tonight. (Seriously? OMG!) George Clooney let the puke flow freely on his 48th birthday. (Celebitchy) Paris Hilton is predictably a shitty neighbor. (Celebslam) Beth Ditto is wasted. It must take like, an entire tanker full of beer to get her drunk. (CelebSmack) Holly Madison in a bikini. Snoresville. (usemycomputer) Breaking!!! Marilyn Manson is still fucking creepy! (popbytes) Posh Spice is like "if Elton John designed a militaristic Barbie doll for some kind of “support the troops” charity and then some Weird Science shit happened and it came to life." (Yeeeah!)

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Lindsay Lohan? Job? My Monocle Just Popped Off

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:23:55 GMT

Get ready for this. Are you sitting down? Do you have a cool compress to press against your forehead? OK, here it is. Somebody actually hired Lindsay Lohan to be in their movie. And not just any kind of shitty, straight-to-ABC Family movie, either. A real one. The film, an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side, also stars Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. In fact, pretty much everything about it sounds good except for the obvious fact of Lindsay Lohan starring in it. Story centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before. Shooting is set for October at an island off the coast of Massachusetts. (Source) So the only question left to ponder now is: How is Lindsay Lohan going to fuck up and squander this opportunity? She's like the Wile E. Coyote of fucking up movies. It doesn't matter how many pairs of dynamite-laced rollerskates she gets sent from ACME, she's still going to smash into a wall with a hole painted on it and she'll probably be full of pills and booze when it happens. With 40-year-old sister Ali taunting the paps. Would you really want this person in your movie?

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Why Heidi Montag is Famous; A Friendly Reminder

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:23:11 GMT

Here's Heidi Montag at the Maxim Hot 100 list party, because supposedly she's on it or something. This is one of those times where I want to say something snarky and mean, but when it comes down to it, Heidi Montag's job is to show up places like this and suck icing off her fingers. What's your job? I bet it's nothing near that glamorous.

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Drew Barrymore Wants To Take a Crap On E.T.

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:22:55 GMT

Drew Barrymore must be riding the high of the critical success of her surprisingly accurate portrayal of Edie Beale in Grey Gardens, because she's obviously mad with power. How do I know this? Well, apparently she's got her sights set on doing the unthinkable: Making a sequel to E.T., 27 years after the fact. According the National Enquirer, Barrymore and Spielberg have met to discuss the project, which will show E.T. returning to Earth to rejoin the now-adult Gertie. A source tells the tabloid, "Steven and Drew are being very secretive about this baby. But they want to do this project and work together. Steven has an incredible story in mind for the sequel that will bring E.T. back to earth." (Source) Fortunately we're talking about the National Enquirer reporting this and all, which of course isn't typically known for outstanding achievements in not-made-up journalism. Which is a relief, because I like the premise of a Drew Barrymore/E.T. buddy comedy about as much as I like the premise of taking a leisurely stroll through West Philly at night with $100 bills taped all over my entire body. Wow. Here is Drew Barrymore at Coachella, and this is what she looks like without make-up. That she didn't poorly apply to herself anyway:

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Eminem is Pathetic

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:23:16 GMT

So, if you haven't heard, Nick Cannon and Eminem are fighting. I didn't cover it before, because, well, it's fucking retarded. First Eminem "dissed" Mariah Carey and her glorified purse-holder in one of his new songs and then Nick Cannon wrote like a 20,000-word response to it on his blog, which was subsequently removed -- but not gone forever, because as Joe Rogan on "NewsRadio" once famously said: "Taking something off the internet is like taking pee out of the swimming pool." Anyway, Eminem is apparently delighted that someone actually noticed him because now he's adding fuel to the fire: In the song, Eminem raps: "Nick Cannon better back the f*** up. I'm not playing, I want her back, you punk. Nick Cannon, you pr**k, I wish you luck with that f***in' whore." Nick fumed over the lyrics and has vowed Eminem's words will have "repercussions". But the warning has been ignored as Em took another shot at Mariah as he spoke on his satellite channel Shade 45. He told listeners: "We're taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on." When asked what he'd say to Mariah if she called in, the MC replied: "I already did that." (Source) I hate to break it to you, but Eminem didn't really pee on Mariah Carey. In fact, it's questionable, at best, if he even got to second base with her. But you know what? I really hope he did. Because then Mariah would still be denying hooking up with Eminem even though she ended up marrying some dude from Nickeloedeon. Eminem himself could write diss songs for another hundred years and not come up with a better insult than that. Mariah and Purse Holder at their first anniversary: (And I said it wouldn't last!)

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Look at Me! I'm Still Relevant!

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:23:48 GMT

Here's Madonna at the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month grabbing a handful of Kanye West's bisexual girlfriend Amber Rose's voluptuous bottom. Because, oh my God, she's still so edgy like that, right? Kanye, on the other hand, looks less than amused. I can only imagine the all caps rant that's going on in his head in this very moment.

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Ashley Olsen Wants to be Taken Seriously

Websters — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:23:42 GMT

Ashley Olsen graces this month's VMan magazine seen here in a brown wig and bra. I know! Right? And she's not even the skanky one. Anyway, she wants you to know that she's very, very serious about being in the fashion industry. "The way I look at it, I had a career as a child. I had a career in an industry in which the media kind of...they're obsessed with the young girl thing. But when I turned 18, I moved to New York, and I haven't really done anything to be a celebrity. I've been transitioning from acting as a kid to doing something that I'm choosing for myself—to be a part of the fashion industry...the outside perception is very different because you do have celebrity brands, people like Jessica Simpson and Kimora Lee Simmons, and those are celebrity brands because they have their names on them." (Source) Yeah. Just so you know she's not like those other fly-by-night celebrity designers. Being a celebrity has nothing to do with her being a fashion designer. Ashley Olsen is a trained fashion professional. I mean, she went to New York University, for what? Like a whole semester? I hear that's how most successful fashion designers hit it big. One semester of college and then, boom, instant success. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from her hard work and dedication.

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Dear Asshole Who Broke Into My Car Last Night,*

Websters — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:23:08 GMT

Thanks for turning my passenger mirror into ten thousand shards of glass covering the entire interior of my car. That's going to be really fun to clean up. Also, thanks for stealing my car stereo that I got as a Christmas gift a couple years ago. No really, I didn't want it anyway. I hope you enjoy smoking the crack that you purchase in exchange for it. In the meantime, thanks to your thoughtfulness, I will now not be able to post about celebrities today due to the massive amount of shit I now have to deal with. xoxo Stacey PS: I hope you die of brain herpes. *Not actual car.

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Snaps: Pop A Squat

Websters — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:23:43 GMT

Love 'N Dancing is the whitest movie you'll ever see. (Pajiba) Beyonce is turning into the black, female version of Elton John is terms of costume ridiculosity. (Yeeeah!) Sarah Michelle Gellar is totally hiding a baby bump. (Seriously? OMG!) No one wants to touch a Nick Hogan reality show. Thank GOD. (Celebitchy) Aww, Maya Rudolph is having another baby with her husband Paul Thomas Anderson. (CelebWarship) Here's a shocker, K-Fed is already broke. (BricksAndStones) Vanessa Hudgens will get naked for the right role. Or, you know, a webcam in her bedroom. (The Blemish) Christina Ricci eats it. (Agent Bedhead) Rihanna's new single is called "Silly Boy." make your own joke here. (POTP) Gross. Pam Anderson goes grocery shopping barefoot. (IDWYL)

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Linda Hogan Compares Herself to Catherine Zeta-Jones

Websters — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:00:00 GMT

In a taped interview outside the courthouse for one of her many, many divorce proceedings with Hulk Hogan, Linda Hogan compared herself to Catherine Zeta-Jones in respect to her relationship with 20-year-old Charlie Hill. She says: "What can I say? Catherine Zeta-Jones and, what's her husband, they're 30 years apart. I don't know. I didn't plan on it that way." For the record, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas -- because, yes he has a name -- are only actually 25 years apart. Also, and this is very important, Michael Douglas doesn't actually look exactly like any grown children that Catherine Zeta-Jones knows about. But of course the biggest reason that Catherine Zeta-Jones is nothing like Linda Hogan is that most men would be willing to have sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones, whereas most men (excluding poor white trash from Clearwater, Florida anyway) would rather stick their wieners in the garbage disposal before getting them within 50 feet of Linda Hogan. I guess that last point is a little bit broad, though. Looking completely out of place at Sundance in January:

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Incognito

Websters — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:23:14 GMT

Incognito: (Adverb) Of a person having one's true identity concealed. In case you weren't aware, even Paris Hilton has a twitter page now. She uses it mostly to post photos of herself, naturally, because there just aren't enough pictures of Paris Hilton on the internet these days. At any rate, here's the latest round of photos of her in a brunette wig. Me in Disguise Today. Blondes have fun! But Brunettes are hot too! :) xoxo about 13 hours ago from TwitPic I hate to break it to her, but it's going to take a lot more than a brown wig to disguise Paris Hilton. Even through the computer I can smell the whore stench. Maybe if she tried rolling around with a skunk or something? That might help cover it up. Yeah, that's the ticket.

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Burn

Websters — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:23:21 GMT

Burn: Verb. Slang; to insult or disrespect someone. In what was undoubtedly a glove slap to former boy toy, Alex Rodriquez of the New York Yankees, Madonna took her kids and current boy toy Jesus (pictured here wearing a Yankees hat) to a New York Mets game this weekend. Oooh. It's so on. Madge took her kids, Lourdes, Rocco and David, to see the Mets play at Citi Field on Mother's Day, and just to rub salt in A-Rod's wounds, brought new flame Jesus Luz. The group sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats with Anderson Cooper, whom they'd partied with Saturday night at the Monkey Bar. (Source) Nice try, but if she really wanted to get back at A-Rod, wouldn't she have taken Jesus to a Boston Red Sox game? I barely even know anything about baseball and even I know that. Or better yet, just project a reel of her and Jesus having sex on a wall outside of A-Rod's house. That Madonna sure is losing her touch in her old age. Just for fun, more of Madonna in her ridiculous outfit and Jesus (not pictured together) at the Costume Gala last week:

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Dead Behind the Eyes Reality Star Bikini Video-Off: Heidi Montag vs. Brooke Hogan

Websters — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:23:17 GMT

Heidi Montag and Brooke Hogan both just leaked their new music videos on the internet; Brooke's "Falling" and Heidi's "Black-Out." If you like fug bleached-blondes with fake tits who can't sing cavorting around on beaches running their hands through their hair, well then ... Spoiler alert! These videos are for you! As far as rating them, I don't really know where to begin. Brooke's video sounds like the same, boring-ass, overproduced to the point of concealing her voice crap she always puts out. Heidi on the other hand, still sounds like a cat with its tail caught in a box fan; but on the grand scale of shitty Heidi Montag videos, this one is somewhat better and catchier than the others. Of course, being "the best" Heidi Montag song is still like being the least stinkiest turd in the toilet. So to answer the question: If I had to pick one of these videos to be stuck with on a desert island, I'd probably still just choose the poison berries and be done with it. More of Brooke celebrating her forty-first twenty-first birthday in Atlantic City last weekend:

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What Is Going On Here?

Websters — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:23:21 GMT

Jaime Lee Curtis made a fashion statement channeling Britney Spears at the "Noche de Ninos" gala in Beverly Hills this weekend. And by "made a fashion statement" I of course, mean "made strong indications that she's lost her damn mind." Unless of course she has cancer or something, in which case I'm going to feel like the biggest jerk ever. You know all that yogurt just can't be good for a person. Editor's note: Is it just me or does Jaime Lee Curtis have kind of a fantastic rack for her age? Discuss.

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Snaps: Not Again

Websters — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:23:14 GMT

Avril Lavigne is headed towards imminent divorce/obscurity. (Lainey Goss) Disney is going back to traditional 2D animation like in the olden days. (Pajiba) Here's Jessica Simpson's second most unflattering concert photos ever. (Celebslam) Amy Winehouse got booed offstage halfway though her "comeback" gig. (The Blemish) The British version of Paris Hilton, Jordan, is splitting from her husband. (Seriously? OMG!) Tom Cruise somehow makes Katie Holmes feel "inadequate," even though she still towers above him. (Celebitchy) Check out the Britney Spears drag queen. (omg blog) Ha ha ha! Nick Cannon and Eminem are fighting! (CelebSmack) Holy hotness, it's Amy Smart! (usemycomputer) IBBB got the chance to attend Brooke Hogan's birthday party in Atlantic City and she acted like a spoiled, worthless slag the whole time. (IBBB) "Flavor of Love's" Hoopz has a sex tape. Finally, she's hit the big time! (Yeeeah!) Here's the Top Ten fashion DO NOTS. (College Candy)

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